American Idol’s Chicago Auditions – 19 January 2010

The Windy City is mighty purty…

…but it ain’t got what we want, which is singing ability, apparently. Who’d have thunk that [[American Idol (TV Series)|American Idiot Idol]] would’ve made it to a ninth season? Simon Cowell, certainly, and his trusty sidekicks [[Randy Jackson|Randy “Dawg” Jackson]] and [[Kara DioGuardi]]. Joined by fellow millionaire Shania Twain, tonight they were in Chi-town to laugh at 12”000 illusioned people.

There was the typical mix of jokers, nutters, cacophonixes and yes, some actual talent. Suspense was in shortage as the producers pre-empted every story with telling stock music. How about chunky Amy with the amazing all-singing, all-breast-bouncing extravaganza that Kara called “Boob-boxing”? Give her some Brady-Bunch music, and don’t forget the “support” jokes from Seacrest!

Not to mention high pitched Curley from Chicago, who wandered off before getting his four “No”s, or Brian from Pittsburgh who must’ve been taking the piss with his rendition of “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” and calling Simon and Randy by the wholly undeserved “Mr Jackson” and “Mr Cowell”.

Naturally, there was some actual talent, mostly in the form of skanky looking Angela, who’s actually been to Hollywood twice, but left both times, first when her dad died, and second, unsurprisingly, due to a traffic warrant. There was also bass-toned John, who got Shania so flustered she made a slew of unintended double entendres: “You’ve got a beautiful lower end”, “Nice tone down there” and “a good head”?

Finally, there was Paige, replete with an asthma sob-story that any working class UK teen would laugh at, but also with a killer voice. Cue the piano, but not before you’ve played it for Harold, who cried heavily in response to his four “No”s and slowly wandered off, complaining about his allergies. If Michelle Obama had not elected to fundraise for Haiti during the half-time commercials, it might’ve been the best part of the night.

All in all, only 13 Golden tickets were handed out tonight. Thank God for small mercies. So, [[Simon Cowell|Simon]], you’ve just pushed more over-indulged twenty-somethings a step closer to ripping off insipid music, what are you going to do next? Folks, he’s going to Disneyworld…

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