An Open Letter to the Producers of American Idol.
Dear Evil Ones,
Are you messing with me? You’re messing with me, right? You threw me a curveball here, a fakey, a hoax. In short, you’re playing silly buggers, right? RIGHT?
The reason I ask, it’s just…. the Dallas auditions of your insipid show were….Nice.
I don’t get it. Is it because Clarkson came from Dallas; that most winners come from the south? Why else would you bring Doogie Howser in to judge and defy Simon? When did it become ok for you to make a twat out of Cowell and his raccoon tan from years past? How does it fit your evil agenda to have Seacreast be so magnanimous to Julie, who has only gotten worse since her first audition eight years ago and was still attempting to sing on her way out of the Area 51 hangar that is Cowboy Stadium?
I don’t get it, really I don’t. There were nods for two, count ‘em, two original songs, one of which was a clever, catchy riff on American Idol culture by Todrick. I mean, I was impressed. Then, winkity-wink, Dexter comes in with the Pyramid of Khufu on his head and effeminately lisps his way through an audition, only to have Cowell give him consolatory encouragement about his smile, then a diplomatic compliment about Megan’s silly outfit! What the f**k is going on here, evil ones?
Ok, yes, you were clever enough to throw in the usual loser sobfest, cheesy cancer-ridden background stories, and Cowell laying into smile-infected cheerleader Vanessa, hoping I wouldn’t get suspicious, but you go and ruin it by showing one of the most ballsey dudes I’ve ever seen. Dave had Tourettes, TOURETTES! One of the most socially-debilitating diseases known to man, and it goes away when he sings… Brilliantly. I didn’t think you could top Gareth from Pop Idol, but you did it.
Man, even the audition space looked different. You used an elevator, and curtain and……..
Wait a minute, Texas is a big state. Maybe you farmed things out to a different crew down there. A-ha! I’m on to you, evil ones. I’ll be back next week, on tip-top derisory form for the Denver auditions. Don’t believe me? Then why did you make Posh Spice a guest judge?
P.S. Nice try with the “Barney kid turned Dominatirx” routine. I wasn’t born yesterday.