Britain’s Got Talent 2010: Live semi-finals 31 May

Woo hoo! Here we are for the first of the Britain’s Got Talent semi-finals. Join me as we watch (and expertly critique) the finalists as they dance, sing and chop wood for our votes. Simon has already named his co-judges Squiddly and Diddly, and no, Amanda is not Diddly.

First up?

ThreeVee

We loved this Bollywood-inspired act the first time we saw them. Sensible Simon wants to see the same spirit of their first audition, but obviously something new from the act as well.

They start with straight Bollywood, working their way through Missy’s Get Ur Freak On and even slip in a bit of Stayin’ Alive. The BGT crew have even put on a nice Indian-themed lightshow behind them, but sadly it’s a bit of a mess. No ‘wow’ moment there.

[[Piers Morgan]]: You did take Simon’s advice on board…obviously he’s the resident Bollywood expert on the panel. That was so much better from the audition. Unless one of the other acts tonight pulls it out of the bag, you guys may have danced into the final. [[Amanda Holden]]: I loved the Bucks Fizz moment…you’re all just really happy. [[Simon Cowell]]: My role now is not about judging, it’s all about guidance. You absolutely rehearsed hard on this. It was almost foot perfect…overall it was a million times better than what we saw before.

My rating:  5/10

Olivia Archbold

A teenager with a sweet voice, but she looks utterly unassuming and wears braces on her teeth. She says she’s singing a song not many people know…cause for concern? Ah, it’s Kate Winslet’s What If? Lovely voice, but somewhere Randy Jackson’s yelling “Pitchy dawg, pitcheeeee!” She’s not great on the lower notes. Good song choice though, staged quite simply and she looks nice – not going for the ‘older then my years’ effect.

Piers: I think it’s just remarkable, it’s remarkable how you do it. I think I prefered your audition song, but in terms of performance it was as good. Amanda: I like that we saw a different side to your voice. I liked that your still looked your age…a very confident performance. You should be proud of yourself. Simon: This is the first time you’ve sung on a show like this live? I thought you handled your nerves incredibly well. I think the key change in that song was really tough. You did good.

My rating: 6/10

Kevin Cruise

What I like to call an ‘idiot act’: fake-tanned, sequinned shirt wearing fool who thinks he’s funnier than he actually is. Simon says “The only ship I wish he was on is the Titanic”. The act is a complete mess, and the Britain’s Got Talent people have been complicit in this, giving him a complete entourage of dancers, a big fake ship and glittery streamers. A complete mess. And can we have the usual stream of complaints about this hideous dude thrusting in those shorts?

Piers: That was just magnificent. Simon will never get this kind of act, but you represent every cruise ship entertainer I’ve ever met. Amanda: I love you! There is no such thing as too camp. That’s like saying a diamond’s too big. Simon: I get the fact that the audience like this act, but at the halfway point, I just imagined myself tuning into this by accident…you’ve kinda got to see it from where I sit. At least you gave it 100%.

My rating: 3/10 The most pointless thing I’ve ever seen on TV

Stevie Star (The Regurgitator)

I think with Stevie’s act – swallowing things and chucking them up again at will – is probably one of the most disgusting things on telly. Part of the charm must be the fact that people are waiting for him to die on stage. What’d be really good if we coul see a live-action x-ray version of this.

For starters, Stevie downs a lightbulb. Next up, he ‘borrows’ Amanda Holden’s engagement ring. He gives her a padlock to lock which he swallows as well. Somehow…somehow…he manages to regurgitate the whole thing with the ring locked inside the padlock. I have no idea how he just did that.The ITV legal department would like to remind you for the 30th time…don’t try this stuff at home!

After the judges comments, Stevie swallows his mobile phone as a signal for the home viewers to phone vote for him – inspired! Great idea!

Piers: It does make you feel sick, but then I’ve been doing that to people on TV for years. I have no idea how you did that it was incredible. Amanda: I’m just so relieved to get my ring back. It’s amazing what you do. Simon: The question is…what would you swallow next?

My rating: 8/10

Tobias Mead

Ah, this guy’s got the looks factor. But like Piers, I’m wondering what he can do to really surprise and entertain us. He claims that what he’s about to do has never been done on British TV before…

Oh, this is good…he starts off working with a floating ball which moves in time to his movements. Does a bit of pole dancing…goes a bit floppy. Brilliant routine. Energetic, imaginative and delivered with a cool wink at the end. Loved it. Loved the backing music.

Piers: That was one of the most creative and inspired dance routines I’ve seen on the show. Amanda: Absolutely brilliant! Innovative, clever and keeping those brilliant fluid movements. Simon: That was really really smart. We’ve seen some great dance groups on this show, but to do something on your own and make it creative, different…you managed it. Outstanding.

My rating: 9/10

Shaun Sheehan

Trees beware! Mr Sheehan is “bringing back a dying art” of kindling cutting according to Amanda Holden. I appreciate what he’s doing, but I tend to side with Simon here – I think it’s “completely and utterly pointless”.

Har har! Dressed as a knight, and with a hammy voiceover to introduce him, Mr Sheehan bangs out some firelighters. Is he miming to this? Oh, it’s “chopping wood” to the tune of “Robin Hood”! This is mildly embarrassing, especially at the point where the wood sticks on the blade and he struggles to get it cleared.

Piers: It is dangerous, unpredictable. There’s an element of “what’s gonna happen here?” Would the royal family like this? Of course they would. Amanda: I enjoyed your audition, but I don’t think you were as accurate with your chopper this time. Simon: I honestly wonder if I’m on the right show. Seriously, Piers? It’s like saying people do the washing up every day, so we should have somebody doing the dishes on the show.

My rating: 4/10

Josh Barry

Josh needs to bring an impressive performance tonight – in review of his last performance, he chose an old song and it wasn’t the best showcase for his voice. He’s got the look all right, but can he match up with the vocals?

Oooh…sexy backing dancers! That’ll make up for the bum notes then, Josh. He’s doing great on the dance routine, but he’s simply not a great singer. I’m rooting for the kid, but that didn’t do anything for me. He was singing Ne-Yo’s Closer by the way.

Piers: You’ve got all the credentials to be a pop star. There was something not quite there for me tonight. It may have just been nerves. I didn’t like the start. Amanda: I was gonna say the absolute opposite…you were so natural, so into it. You were really cool, really wicked. It is like you were born to do it. Simon: It was a lot lot better than the first time we saw you. I thought the performance was good, but the problem for me was the vocals…but you’re the kind of guy who could sort that out.

My rating: 4/10 Liked the dancing, but if he wants to be a singer, he needs to be able to sing.

Spellbound

Crazy gymnastic act Spellbound are preparing to do their amazing act again. We’re looking for something better than last time. They’re emphasising the danger factor in tonight’s routine.

I hate to be a bitch, but this isn’t quite as tight as it should be – there’s almost too much going on on stage for us to know what we should be looking at, and the cameras are having a hard time keeping up. Some breathtakingly dangerous moments in the midst of it all, but not as exhilarating as their first time.

Piers: Bloody hell. In the room, that was one of the most extraordinary routines. Could we imagine you gracing the royal variety show? Absolutely. Amanda: You would be fantastic ambassadors for Great Britain…you didn’t disappoint. It was high voltage excellence. Simon: I’ve never seen anything in this country as good as this. The detail on this routine is incredible – this is what this show is all about, finding undiscovered talent. Absolutely superb.

My rating: 7/10 Didn’t come across so well to the home audience due to an overly busy routine and some sloppy camerawork.

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