Welcome to Saturday night, Unreality Shout readers. We’re liveblogging the best and the worst of Britain’s Got Talent auditions as seen on yer ITV. This is the last auditions show before we move into the live rounds of the competition, and we’re looking forward to some last-minute surprises for the finale.
As always, leave me your comments along the way and tell us what you think of the talent….here we go:
Christine Hill and Timmy the Pig
Oh, so we’re going to start tonight’s episode with a groanfest. This crazy woman wants us to believe her pig is the world’s premiere Michael Jackson impersonator. She claims the pig will “mime to Michael Jackson’s Beat It“. As you might expect, nothing remotely interesting happens, and that’s the primary source of chuckles for the audience.
Amanda asks if it can do opera, spotting a canny opportunity for walking bacon to release an album and presumably go on world tour. Idiot.
- Next up is Taboo, a street dance group of about 1,000 young ladies, Piers enjoys it, but Simon grumbles that the routine was too busy. But with that observation, they send her through with three yeses.
- Alesia Vasmitzel: Student, housewife, pole dancer. Her husband must be one happy dude. Man, I’m getting a pole installed in my bedroom for the missus. Simon picks his jaw off the floor and says “I’ve never seen anyone do that with a pole before.”
- Sean Sheehan cuts kindling at a rapid pace. It’s as exciting an act as it sounds, but at least you’ll be able to light a fire afterwards. What’s the opportunity here? Branded firelighters in your local Tesco? Simon is soooo nonplussed that he moans to Amanda through the toilet door.
A bunch of young black guys with a dance group come on. Brilliantly, BGT plays JLS in the background, because that is the pinnacle of urban music these days. Still, these guys deliver a jaw-dropping, breath-taking, stunningly inventive act. They may have just wiped the floor with all the other dance acts on Britain’s Got Talent this year.
Piers says “you are having fun, we had fun. Great performance.” Amanda congratulates the choreographer and their great energy. Simon tells them that there are stronger dance groups (I don’t believe him). He tells them they’re going to have to work very hard if they get through. And they get through. I’m only glad that they didn’t drop the “urban dudes who are great role models for other urban dudes” crap they normally insultingly reserve for the inner city guys.
Dammit. Another Michael Jackson impersonator. Well, that’s original. Simon and Piers buzz him and he walks off the stage. The nation collectively calls him a “bad tempered git”. Ant & Dec convince him to go back onstage and he almost kills his assistant during the I’ve Had The Time Of My Life lift. He makes her do it a second time, but gives her a look of death. And then he does a bizarre Turkish dance type thing.
Amanda calls it “desperate” and worries about his assistant’s safety while Piers simply calls him crazy.
- Peter and Doreen are a charming old couple, but they’re clearly in it for laughs. I suppose it beats sitting at the pier having ice cream. They’re totally
- Sue Bigmore gives her most tuneless rendition of a song she calls “Night Flight to Abu Dabi”. I suggest she gets a plane there.
- Stephen Florence and Wellington are a man and puppet act who look disturbingly like each other. “Flo”, keen to get started being unfunny, launches into his act before he’s even been introduced and gets instantly buzzed by Cowell. But that’s not the worst bit of his act. When he starts getting jeered, he tells the crowd “I could do some decent ventriloquism if you’d all just shut up.” and when he’s finally buzzed off, he retorts with “You rude, ignorant people. All you can do is just sit there and go boo.” Dude knows how to work a crowd.
Looking like they’ve just been booted out of a carnival somewhere, Dance Flavourz are sure to be a hit with the guys. When this group start shaking their various body parts, the look on Simon Cowell’s face says it all. They mix in some bellydancing and some Bollywood style stuff. It’s very colourful and fun, but did anybody believe that guy and his ‘my wife’ story?
A breathless Piers Morgan can only say “that was really really special, you’re utter compelling to watch”. Amanda confesses she “couldn’t keep my eyes off all the bits and bobs wobbling about” and Simon throws up his hands and admits “I don’t know what to do with you”. Three yeses.
- Dresses like multiple copies of the Wicked Witch of the West, The Fusion give a crazy dance routine, which Simon buzzes off.
- Kev Orkian does a funny piano version of Elton’s I’m Still Standing. It’s a hilarious routine, totally unexpected. The judges send him through.
- Father and son act Father & Son (I’m serious) do a song from Les Miserables. The crowd go wild, but it feels a little bit karaoke. They didn’t bother to divide up the parts and simply sang together. Amanda and Piers allow the act to pass though.
Named after a large piece of paper, A3 are three brothers who dance. Ah! Their names all start with the letter A. They give an energetic, funky routine. They’re a lot of fun to watch and the crowd is crazy for them. Clucky mother is watching from the sidelines. Awww.
I think Amanda seemed a little suspicious of the boys’ sudden tears after their performance. Felt a little bit off from where I was sitting too.
Piers congratulated the boys, but Simon told them the routine started out well, but ran out of steam. Oh, he tells them they need to work out a proper routine to audition with. Amanda’s comments were quite clipped, weren’t they? Or am I imagining that? They get three yeses anyway.
- Team Shaolin wow the judges with their martial arts inspired routine. With some words of wisdom from Cowell, they’re sent through to finals.
- Emile Harris impresses the judges with his own composition.
- 10 year old Nathan Fitzpatrick gets tons of awwws when he announces that he’s brought his girlfriend to auditions. And then he gives us an eyebrow dancing act. He won’t go far, but worth it to hear Cowell admit that the botox won’t allow him to do that anymore!
Phillip is clearly a cross-dresser who likes to share his hobby with other people. After coming on as Kylie a couple of years ago, and being called ‘monstrous’, he’s decided to return as Madonna. Still just looks like an old guy in a dress to me. He just doesn’t have the figure for this kind of stuff – is it too much to ask for him to pad the bra out a little?
Piers tells him he’s improved. Simon calls it horrific. In fairness, the audience did love it. So, Amanda breaks the deadlock between Simon and Piers – she says yes after congratulating him for his bravery. Simon worries about what the final of the show is going to look like. He’s not alone.
Sorting through the final 40
The finalists get summoned to London to hear whether they’ll get through. Simon gets understandably grumpy when he sees some of the acts Louis Walsh put through in his absence.
I enjoyed when Simon took Piers and Amanda to task about some of the goon acts like Maxie Oliver (crap Gaga impersonator) and Phillip Grimmer – he asks them to imagine announcing one of those (or similar) as the winner of this year’s show. Finally, the voice of reason! Elsewhere, Amanda continues to spout inane cliches like “these people put the Great in Great Britain”. Frankly, forget the cross-dressing acts, Amanda Holden was the most embarrassing thing on Britain’s Got Talent tonight.
We got to see the top 40 selection process. Or a dramatisation of the selection process. Do they really hire out that room overlooking the Thames and spend hours poring over the competitors? Anyway, we’ll be back with a list of the final 40 later on, and from next Monday, the show goes out live every night. We’ll be there – hope you guys decide to follow us to chat about your favourite acts!