Good evening Shout readers! Tonight is the third night of live semi-finals on Britain’s Got Talent. Eight acts are waiting backstage to impress the nation or disgrace themselves trying. Good on yer, folks!
Are you ready for a mad stream of consciousness liveblog? First random thought of the night – [[Simon Cowell]]’s new grey suit makes him look shorter.
If this act had been formed in the 80’s would it have been called Opal Fruits? Starburst are a troup of Welsh dancers who want to buy less smelly toilets with the prize money. Simon was previously lukewarm about their act, but these toothy-grinning kids are determined to prove him wrong.
If this was the 60’s, I’d be certain I was on an acid trip right now. The colours! They’re all cute as multi-coloured buttons though, and you have to love their enthusiasm, even if the act itself is totally bonkers. Fun stuff.
Piers: I wish everybody would dance like you girls. It was like being in a great big psychedelic extravaganza of fun. Amanda: You’re really cute. Can my daughter join that troup? Simon: I thought it lacked colour…The first time I saw you I thought it was very old fashioned because of the music…this was a million times better than the first time we saw you. You girls should make a plea to get people to vote for you.
My rating: 6/10 For enthusiasm!
If fragrant toilets aren’t your thing, this Chloe Hickinbottom kid wants to spend her prize money on leggings. She clearly has no idea how much leggings cost and is about to be pleasantly surprised. Oh, and she’s the girl who sang Vera Lynn at audition. Simon (and I) want her to do something contemporary.
Oh, class – she’s lowered in on the Over The Rainbow moon! And she’s singing another oldie, Moon River. She’s a tad nervous, you can see the shakes. But I don’t like her voice on this one, it’s not as ‘fine’ as I’d like it to be. Not as…delicate? But compared with the other child singers? At least she can hold a tune.
Piers: Some people have said that Britain’s running out of talent. For a ten year old girl to come on this stage and sing like you just sang…you’ve just stuck it to all the critics. Amanda: Little Britain’s got talent! The children on this show are incredible. I think your voice fitted that song perfectly. Simon: I’m happy to admit that I’m wrong actually. The good thing about you is that I think you know what kind of artist you want to be. I think you’re destined for the West End. I’m not sure you’re a recording artist, but I see you with a big career on stage.
My rating: 6/10 Appreciate the quality of her vocals, but not to my taste. Sorry.
After catching a horrendous Lady Gaga drag act last night, here we have to suffer the indignity of an old guy dressed as Madonna. There have got to be better drag acts in the country. Please apply within. Both Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden will love you.
This is what we call in the biz a complete and utter bloody train wreck. Mr Grimmer scares the living daylights out of me. He can barely dance, doesn’t really look like Madonna. And he adds to the disappointment by telling us that he was the first child born in Britain on the day of the coronation. Sad times. What is the country coming to, Simon Cowell, I ask you.
Piers: If Madonna herself was watching , step aside. Phillip, I think we’re always going to remembers this day, where you performed for two minuted and Simon Cowell didn’t buz you. Amanda: Thank you for the information, at least now we don’t have to have him on Life Stories. It didn’t look like you’d actually worked out a dance routine. Simon: Since Amanda and Piers pit you through to this round, I’m urging the public to put you through so that these two have to present you to the royal family.
My rating: 1/10 Just awful.
Confession time: I’m not convinced Paul can actually impress us. His first audition was stuffed full of old impressions that he could have been doing 20 years ago. If he can’t ramp it up and make it modern, relevant, he needs to be sent home. There’s a lot of big talk from the judges, building up the act…
He starts out with another Harry Hill impression. Sorry, I didn’t actually get the squeaky voiced second impression. He does a Wallace & Grommit one. He finishes off with Alan Carr and a quick Simon knock-off. I’m just not digging it. Sorry.
Piers: We’ve never had enough good comedians, and if you don’t make the final it’ll be a total travesty, because that was brilliant. You are the best impressionist we’ve had. Amanda: There’s so much more to you. You’ve really honed your act. You were brilliant tonight, and I want you in the final. Simon: Unlike some of the brats we get on our shows who’ve done nothing, you’ve worked 25 years for this. The problem with television at the moment is that it’s snobby. I like fish and chips…you’re fish and chips and I agree with Amanda.
My rating: 4/10 He’s no Bremner or Culshaw, and if that’s the best he can do after 25 years…sorry, kids.
Plummy Oxford types take on contemporary hits with an awful operatic lead singer. It’s awful, it’s embarrassing, but it’s fantastic fun. And they’re quite knowing about it. The best fun is when you have to identify the song they’re playing. I love how they put these medleys together, they’re really clever.
The audience are going nuts for them. Brilliant. Hope these guys get through.
Piers: What you do is extraordinary…you have personality. We have so many boring acts, but then you come up and within five seconds this audience are on their feet and you get a standing ovation. Amanda: I think the musicians are overlooked and although Jonathan is your frontman, but let’s not overlook you four like Escala just standing there. Simon: I still don’t know what to make of you guys. Some people will like you and an awful lot of people will despise you. I think that’s probably a good thing…you’re going to stand out. Interesting song choices, and you’re a very good frontman. You’ve got charisma.
Yet another joke or filler act (whatever you want to call these guys), Jimmy Forde seems like a lovely guy, but what the hell?
Oh Simon, please buzz this man. This is a great gimmick for an auld barfly who’s had too many Guinness on Paddy’s Day, but for someone to be on the Britain’s Got Talent stage in a pound shop green beard…abysmal.
Piers: It’s great to see the older generation…a great role model to older people. Amanda: I felt like I could’ve watched that a bit longer. You’ve left me wanting more. Simon: I surrender.
Proof that Louis Walsh talks shite #1327: “It was like authentic Irish dancing. It was like a young Michael Flatley.” (Jimmy is 75 years old)
My rating: 2/10
Ah, the new SuBo/Paul Potts. His gimmick? Singing accountant with the voice of a bald angel. I’m kind of bored with his rendition of The Impossible Dream within about 30 seconds. We’ve seen too much of this kind of act, and to be honest nobody beats Pottsy in my opinion. Like the other night when Diversity schooled most of the dance acts on the show, this was no Nessun Dorma.
Piers: There you are, Christopher Stone the young balding accountant. Unlike the audition where you were crippled with nerves, the confidence, the poise, the mastery of the stage. That was a performance that could grace the West End. Amanda: We said you had the voice of a leading man, but not the poise of a leading man. Tonight, you could lead any show, anywhere in the West End or in the world. Simon: Just to see the transformation in you, you were very shy and you didn’t believe in yourself. You came out tonight with confidence and real charisma and nailed a song like that.
My rating: 6/10 Did you get the impression the judges were talking up his act? Amanda: “You could lead any show anywhere in the world“???? Oh come on. Idiots. You want him to get to the finals, but cool it with the heavily biased comments. We might start to think this competition has no integrity.
Cowell told these guys they weren’t as strong as the other dance acts in the show. Utter nonsense, Simon. Peridot pulled off an inventive routine that was on a par with Tobias Mead. In my opinion. But what do I know?
They kick off with a futuristic backing track and robotic movements. They’ve also swapped their awful yellow cardigans for funky blue jackets. Some good breakdancing and a clever 360 degree turn. But not quite as electrifying as their first audition, sadly.
Piers: I really like you guys…my disappointment tonight was there wasn’t enough dancing. There was a lot of body popping, a lot of moving around, but there wasn’t enough troupe dancing. Amanda: I’m so sorry to tell you, I totally agree with what Piers is telling you. I don’t think you’re better than the winners last year. Simon: The negative…it didn’t have the imagination of what we saw before with Diversity. The positive…technically I thought you were absolutely brilliant. I don’t think it’s fair to compare you with last year. You are, by a mile the best dance group we’ve seen this year so far.
My rating: 6/10 I’m a fan, but the routine just didn’t blow me away. Nice comments from Simon though.
So, what are your tips for the final? Christopher Stone, Chloe Hickinbottom and The Arrangement. Maybe not my personal choices, but that’s what I think people will veer towards. I’d like to see Peridot get another chance for the final, but that’s up to a fickle British public.