Britain’s Got Talent: Newcastle 2010 Auditions, liveblogged!

The Britain’s Got Talent crew head for Newcastle this week to see if the city has ‘talent’. We’re using the term loosely, of course. Auditions were held in the Journal Tyne Theatre, and based on some of the early footage, it looks like the show’s going to be fantastic tonight!

First up is a group of Geordie dancers who raise the issue of maybe having helpful subtitles for the non-Geordie viewers. After consulting with Lisa, I discover that they’re called AKA. And as I wrote that, even Simon Cowell had problems understanding them.

The little girl who’s their spokesperson calls them “unique, a crowd pleaser and we love what we do”. The girls are just one big explosion of gold! They give a glittering, fabulous, acrobatic performance that has the crowd excited. Simon gives them a downer, calling it totally insane. Amanda: A very sparkly yes for me. The judges give them three yeses.

Greg Snowdon wrong-foots Piers Morgan by asking him what age he is. He then proceeds to do a ham-fisted attempt at breakdancing, while Cowell says “I knew we shouldn’t have come up here.” Nicola Howe gives a very nervous stand-up act, but earns a “funny as a cucumber” comment from Simon.

There is a terrible drag act which we won’t mention here.

Clyde and Claire – a husband and wife couple pitch an act where he performs magic and she plays the flute. Sounds shockingly self-indulgent. Holy shit, he’s 54 and she’s 26. His talent should be showing us how he scored a wife half his age. The magic act is passable, but the flute playing is making murderous urges surface. She’s abysmal.

Piers says it was “therapeutic”. Simon tells it straight: “without being rude Claire, every note was out of tune.” You can kind of see why Simon doesn’t want to do auditions anymore. Piers and Amanda allow Flute Magic to go through to the next stage. Idiots.

Beth & Emily Moorby do an amazing contortionist act and get three yeses. Georgia Overton has a great look, but her rendition of Feelin’ Good didn’t impress me. However, the judges give her a pass to the next round.

Bionik Funk give a very funny street dance routine that’s hopefully intended to be comedic. Simon gives a crowd-pleasing compliment – “Newcastle’s Got Talent”.

Now, here’s a group we’ve been waiting to see – boyband Connected. They perform Backstreet Boys’ I Want It That Way. My son’s Build-A-Bear has one of those scarves! And actually, they’re a great little band. I swear I saw pound signs flash in Simon Cowell’s eyes. Cowell calls them “15 years out of date”, and I can almost see the words Justin Bieber forming on his lips. He likes the concept, but wants a 21st Century boyband.

Unusually, he lets them sing another song. After initially looking reticent, Holden is on her feet and encouraging the audience to sing along. Piers is happy, Amanda is happy and Simon’s stubbornly standing by his earlier judgment. But it’s all constructive criticism, so he’s giving them a pass.

After the break, Jeff Derbyshire wanders on stage after having surgery to correct his snoring problem. He strips down to an elephant thong, nipple tassels and starts skipping on stage. This one has to be a dare. The judges sensibly send him home.

Eh-oop, have we moved to Manchester or are those two children idiots?

Nervous teenager Olivia Archbold opts to sing the uber-dreary In The Arms Of The Angels. It was either going to be good or a train wreck, and thankfully Olivia displays a beautiful voice. The audience are fantastically supportive. Yet again – cynic face showing here – it proves that if you go in dressed plain, you can surprised the audience with your voice. Good trick for singers.

Amanda Holden calls it “utterly spellbinding” and Piers trots out the trusty “I don’t think you know how good you are”. Simon goes to town with the compliments, and we have an emotional three yeses from the judges.

Different Dreams are a bubbly duo. And by that I mean plus-sized and slightly weird. Sorry, but that’s the vibe we’re getting here. Cowell is taken aback when the girls reveal how young they are. The talkative one gives a decent karaoke rendition of the song, but the silent one is too nervous to perform properly. Piers suggests that they split the act up.

But second time around isn’t much better. Simon carefully deflates the dream for her, but Piers gives a schmaltzy response and Amanda – SHOCKER! – turns her down as well. You shits, BGT, you played Winner Takes It All and we thought it was going to be a sure thing. You fooled us! Well done!

Tonight’s highlights?

  • Connected: Great boyband potential. By which we mean Justin Bieber x5 for Simon’s record label. But they’ll be needing a Trinny and Susannah moment to update their style!
  • AKA: A fun routine and very energetic. I wonder how they’d stand up to last week’s Spellbound?
  • Bionik Funk: Were a refreshingly tongue in cheek rip-off of some streetdance routines. If they can keep it funny, it might be interesting to see them again.
  • Olivia Archbold: Great little singer, and has the potential to be glammed up to the nines for stage performances! Needs a little more confidence on stage though.

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