Welcome back to the suburbs for another hour of campy, trashy murder, deceit and mayhem. Yep, we’re back on Wisteria Lane for the seventh season of Desperate Housewives. And as with my Gossip Girl review last week, I have to confess that Desperate Housewives is yet another guilty pleasure for me. Sure, in guy circles it’s easy to bash the show and its characters, but DH is one of those series’ that’s intensely easy to watch.
Even if I can’t remember all the characters’ names. Especially the guys.
Tonight’s season opener was topped and tailed with the return of Paul Young – a murderer who was jailed only after being framed by his victim’s sister. Young is hell-bent on getting revenge on the neighbours who turned their backs on him during his court case. And he tells them so, laying on a guilt trip about how he protested his innocence during the trial WHICH THEY DID NOT ATTEND! What’s really good about this is that you often forget he is a murderer, and he hasn’t really got any business being indignant about their defection!
Over in Carlos and Gaby’s house, secrets are springing up and being ruthlessly suppressed. Gaby learns that Bree’s son was the hit and run driver who killed Carlos’ mother, and Carlos discovers that a mix-up at the hospital means their daughter isn’t their daughter. And in true soapy fashion, both take pains to hide their secrets from each other. But it’s alright, they’re trying to spare each other’s feelings.
I loved how Gaby’s immediate reaction was purely selfish, being annoyed that she’d have to give the bad news to Carlos and he’d somehow blame her!
Less interesting – but then I can’t stand Teri Hatcher’s character, Susan – Mike and Susan are starting over in a rented apartment to save themselves some money. And it seems that Susan’s clunky, oversized jewellery can’t save their finances. Mike wants to go work on the oil rigs for a while to raise funds, but Susan gets an unexpected offer from their landlady to become a soft porn webcam girl. Naturally, after taking a moral stance against it, Susan realises she has no choice but to appear.
I estimate it’ll be about half-an-hour before one of Lynette’s sons recognizes her on the web.
Bree and Orson are getting divorced, so Bree has a fight with her living room. Specifically the wallpaper, which is a nice excuse to bring in Brian Austin Green as a decorator and have him wander around in a vest top for the duration of the episode. In another hit to Bree’s fragile ego, she discovers that Orson and his carer are now in a relationship, which may push the straight-laced housewife into a torrid affair with the hired help. Bring it on!
Over at the Scavo residence, Lynette gets an unexpected visit from her friend Renee Perry, played by Ugly Betty’s Vanessa Williams. With Lynette being overwhelmed at home with a new baby, her family see a different side of her through Renee’s eyes. Especially Tom, who discovers that she had a threesome with two football players back in the day. I loved how it didn’t take him long to recover from the news and proposition his newly ‘dirty’ wife!
Of course, it’s not going to be a fleeting visit for Vanessa Williams, and her reason to stay comes via the news that her husband is leaving her for another woman. Let’s hope that she sticks around Wisteria Lane for a little while – I suspect she’s going to be ‘interesting’ for Tom and Lynette’s marriage.
As an occasional viewer of Desperate Housewives, clearly I had no idea who Paul Young was, but I’m already loving this cycle of revenge that’s emerging – Paul’s out of prison, hoping to repay his former neighbours for deserting him. But all the while, his victim’s sister is planning his death. I’m guessing he’ll be so busy looking the other way that he’ll be a really easy target – but with Felicia Tilman in prison, who’s the Wisteria Lane resident that’ll do the job on her behalf? Answers in the comments section, please!
Quotes from this episode
- Gaby: “No, you shouldn’t have told me at all. Now I have to tell Carlos, and he’s going to tell Andrew and then he’s going to have to go to prison. So thank you for sending my husband to prison, Bree. Nice work.”
- Lynette: “Baby number 5. An entire basketball team has come out of me, so I am officially too exhausted to care.”
- Tom: “I’m holding the baby.” Lynette: “Well spray her with some glass cleaner and rub her on the windows. I don’t want Rene to know I live like this.”
- MJ: “So, are we poor?” Mike (to Susan): “If you field this one, I’ll tell him where babies come from.”
- Renee: “Sometimes weeks go by without me seeing a servant.” Lynette: “I’m sure you see them on whipping day.”
- Bree: “I’m not sure that my delicate ears could support something so large. How about Gaby? She has big strong Latino ears.”
- Lynette: “Renee comes across as a little stuck-up when you first meet her. Which is a real timesaver.”
- Susan names her terms for doing porn: “No nudity, no sex. And no-one can ever know.”
- Bree: “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m going to be serving dinner in this room. Not sailors.”