I cannot in all seriousness offer you a review of the final episode of Lost. I’ve been picking at the show in its last series. Too late to the party to understand much of what’s going on, because the preceding five series have undoubtedly left superfans with a significant armoury of scenes and quotes to back up their theories about how life on the island would end.
So. Instead, I propose to give you a look at that last episode of Lost through the eyes of someone who’s almost completely a Lost virgin. I will say, however, that it’s such bad timing that Ashes To Ashes ended here on Friday night with roughly the same premise – you’re actually all dead and this is a purgatory we’ve whipped up until you’re ready to move on.
Anyway, mad stuff is happening. This island place is starting to crumble. The Locke character – who’s never too sure whether he’s crippled or able-bodied, but has wise, benevolent eyes – is staring at a boat. Then the doctor guy who used to be a carpenter on Party Of Five tries to land a big, flying punch on him. They struggle and Locke – who often moonlights as a murderous angry cloud – stabs Jack in the side. The stringy-haired, flat-chested one they call Kate shoots Locke and Jack kicks him over the cliff-edge. Hooray!
Things flash to Jack and Locke in hospital. Locke comes out of that spine surgery he didn’t want and wiggles his toes for fun. Po-faced Jack touches his feet and gets flashbacks. Spooky. Locke also mentions to Jack that he doesn’t have a son, which he doesn’t react to strongly enough. If some crazy post-op bald guy told you your kid didn’t exist, wouldn’t you be a little upset?
Captain Shaggy Sideburns is fixing up the plane. This dude is Neil Young with a pilot’s license. I love him. Him and his mates are trying to fix the plane to get airborne. Everybody’s trying to catch the plane, but they’re miles off and Shaggy ‘Burns wants to fly now while the engines are running. Heroic but dull Jack’s trying to save the island. Sawyer (the guy who hates Jack and talks a bit like a cowboy) shakes his hand and thanks him. Hurley stays, the creepy Linus guy stays. Kate and Sawyer – in a hilarious twist on running late to the airport – make a death-defying clifftop dive to reach the boat bobbing about below.
In hospital-world, Sawyer refrains from shooting a crooked vending machine and instead flirts a bit with Erica Evans from V. They make hand contact and get all sorts of cool, sexy flashbacks. Well, until the one of her being blown up. That wasn’t a turn-on. Oh, she’s called Julia.
Serious Jack meets Stringy-haired Kate while looking for his son, but she’s become very knowing and mysterious and touches him to revive his memories. Sexy time again. Back on the island-world, Jack gives Hurley a drink of dirty water which makes him king of the island. Then Jack goes into a deep cave to screw in a weird lightbulb thing. (How many islanders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?) Jack also finds Desmond and his totally atrocious mid-90s haircut unconscious and chooses to save him, possibly to have his scalp donated to a hair museum.
Captain Sideburns has got the plane moving just as Stringy-mop and Cowboy Sawyer are reaching the shore. They meet the perky-boobed blonde one and persuade her to come along on their daring escape. Sawyer, Kate and blonde one arrive just in time. Sideburns stops the plane for them and the plane takes off just as the ground starts to rupture. Hooray!
Locke arrives at a church in a taxi and confusingly is back in a wheelchair. Creepy Linus is there, waiting for him, but he apologises for strangling him with a red cord a while back. Which is pretty decent of him. Locke is a true gentleman and accepts the apology. Back on the island, Linus is tending to Desmond’s hair. He thinks it’s going to be alright. Hurley and Linus have profound discussions on both worlds that descend into potty talk about number ones and number twos.
Finally Kate has sorted her hair out, and she takes Jack to the church where they’re all congregating. She enigmatically tells him she’ll be waiting inside once he’s ready to leave. Jack looks so uncomfortable all of the time, I wonder if he’s got piles. He wakes up on the island again, and is happy for a few minutes. Then back to the church, where he sees a coffin. Touches the wood and has flashes of his time on the island. Opens the coffin. It’s empty. Damn. I’d hoped we’d see a dead Jack inside. That would’ve been fun. But what’s this? His dead father is standing behind him. The have some afterlife banter:
Jack: “How are you here right now?”
Jack’s dead dad: “How are you here?”
Jack (after a thoughtful pause): “I died too.”
Bingo, genius! And with that little matter sorted out once and for all, Daddy Jack drops a final piece of wisdom on his newly-ghosted son: “This is a place that you all made together so that you could find one another.”
Phew. Heavy, Doc. To end it all, Jack is reunited with his fellow ghosts in the church. But nobody’s sad, they’re all happy to be together. And they’ve brought that guy from The Vampire Diaries. And look, there’s the cute Benford woman from FlashForward. Wonder if her husband knows she’s snuggling up to that hairball Desmond? And Erica from V is back. And even the Hobbit fella who was rubbish in Chuck and rubbish in FlashForward! Awww.
Now that I’ve got to the end of it, though, I’m completely confused. If you’re a fan of Lost tell me – was that a satisfying ending for you?