There was a tremor of warning during the summer that Madonna and Guy
Ritchie’s marriage was on shaky ground. The rumblings suggested that she’d had
an affair with some sporty type with a ridiculous nickname name that tabloid
editors would love – A-Rod.
Then it all went silent. Up until last week, that is.
We finally got official word last week that Madonna and Guy were going to
divorce. My heart sank. Not for any love of them or their marriage, but because
we have been damned to about six months of tabloid dirt-digging about their
Laura Barton wrote an amusing
piece in The Guardian today chronicling all those revelations – from the
much publicised "emotionally retarded" insult Madonna launched during a live
concert, to some more obscure mud-slinging about Ritchie spending too much time
in the pub. Here’s an excerpt:
- She was devoted to A Gruelling Four-Hour Exercise Routine and the Crazy-Ass
Religion Known as Kabbalah. Both of which left little time for sweet, sweet
- Making love to Madonna was like "cuddling up to a piece of gristle", and she
goes to bed every night slathered in £500 pots of face cream and a plastic body
suit! Madge may have a reputation for being a saucepot, but
according to her
husband, her physique and cosmetic regime were not conducive to passion.
- He eats sausage rolls. The cad!
- She made him drink rice milk! Madonna’s macrobiotic diet meant an embargo on
dairy products, sugar, alcohol and stodge in the family
Now, long-time Madonna watchers will know that nothing the lady does is done
silently. And judging by early indications, this is going to be a doozie of a
divorce on the level previously seen when Heather Mills dragged Paul McCartney
through the courts.
And, since most of what the tabloids report seems to be a lottery of fiction,
I thought it would be an interesting exercise to help our celebrity gossip
columnists write the Madonna divorce in advance. Feel free to join in…
- Where’s the pre-nup? We know Madonna earns more than Guy – will there be
some financial wrangling when this one hits the courts?
- We’ll have to choose sides – just like Heather Mills became an atypical
pantomime villain, we’ll have to choose one to hate. Me, I might just take
Ritchie’s side, and that’ll no doubt be backed up by…
- Reports of unreasonable behaviour. But which one is the most unreasonable?
Well, an array of friends, family (say hi to Christopher Ciccone, everybody!),
former employees and pundits will be lining up to tell the press all the juicy
- Who gets the kids? Well, we already ‘know’ that Guy was against the adoption
thang. And despite 8 years together, they only have one child together – Rocco.
- Don’t forget the salacious lesbian rumours that are bound
to circulate. Bonus points for tabloid editors who manage to work in links with
Britney and Christina and a certain MTV awards show!
- And isn’t Guy famous for his tough-guy (pardon the pun, guv) gangster
movies? Surely we can fit in a front page alleging that he’s got a contract out
on his sinewy former spouse?
- Do you think we could squeeze in a "Kabbalah is a dangerous cult on a par
with Scientology" storyline? Better yet, fake up a link with Tom Cruise, dating
back to the 80s and suggest Madonna has dabbled in Scientology. Can you say
Some storylines that won’t happen: There will be no
meltdowns or broken heart stories. If there are, they’ll come from Ritchie. But
don’t hold your breath.
I invite you to join in the predictions for the inevitable divorce gossip. Do I need to reiterate that this is idle speculation on our part, and it will be interesting to see how many of these stories actually come to light in the press.