No, this is not the second coming of Britney Spears

Oh lord, the familiar battlecry of “BRITNEY’S BACK, BITCHES!” has been dragged out once more, dusted down for yet another Britney Spears comeback. I’ve lost count of exactly how many comebacks that makes now, but I don’t think it’s fair to call each consecutive album release a comeback. It’s just that the lazy trout hasn’t done anything worthwhile in the last year or two.

In case you missed the social media frenzy eariler, the official video for Britney’s Hold It Against Me happened. To hear the hype machine, it’s Britney back and at her very best.

Except it’s not. Not really. It’s Britney Spears releasing yet more forgettable garbage, rehashed electro-vomit that could have been cooked up by anybody. I mean any song based on the cheesiest pickup line of all time has to be an epic fail. Right? “If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

If someone said that to a girl today, they’d be castrated. People who use lines like that don’t deserve to reproduce.

Hilariously, MTV talk about this video like it was a piece of high art. Oh yeah, it was directed by Lady GaGa collaborator Jonas Åklerlund…

The Jonas Åklerlund-directed clip will certainly have fans talking for quite some time about its metaphorical images about the trials and tribulations of pop superstardom, funky fashions and an over-the-top fight scene against herself.

However, other sites (including Billboard) were quick to call the video out on its blatant product placement.

Britney proves the doubters right: she hasn’t made a comeback. She’s still just a shill, pimping a bunch of products in the least subtle way we’ve ever seen. It’s one thing to show a scene where she’s getting her makeup done, but it’s completely different to zoom in on the brand name of the eyeshadow and pause the shot.

It’s not the first time Britney’s done product placement in a music video – at the beginning of the Circus video, you can clearly see a product shot of Britney’s perfume.

The apparent ‘highlight’ of this video is a revolutionary scene in which Britney fights…herself. Oh Christ! Pop stars fighting themselves in music videos is so lame! Mariah Carey did it back in her Heartbreaker video (and it was far more entertaining than Britney’s video…better song too). Kylie Minogue fought herself in the Did It Again video years ago. And I’m pretty sure Christina Aguilera did the same in the Dirrty video. It’s not a fresh new idea, OK?

Face facts, Britney fans, attempts to talk up Ms Spears’ latest work (or indeed anything she’s done in the last five years) are a desperate ploy to persuade the rest of the world that she’s still relevant on some level. She’s not. She’s a musical advert for Sony products/dating websites/perfumes and makeup.

And I don’t think it’s fair to blame Britney for everything. She almost looks like she’s been enslaved to release mediocre pop music against her will. A couple of the people I chatted with earlier on Twitter mentioned the ‘dead’ look in her eyes. It’s like watching a trained monkey doing the same trick over and over again for treats. She’s not happy, and you can tell it to look at her.

Look for yourselves, folks…look past the hype and feel the soul-destroying mediocrity of cookie-cutter pop at its absolute worst…

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