Olly Murs scores a #1 with his debut single

I hope you’re sitting down for this one, Shout readers. Vile chavvy singer Olly Murs has beaten Katy Perry to the top spot in the UK singles chart this week.

You may remember Murs for being disgustingly smug on last year’s X Factor before he was beaten by dweeby Joe McElderry. I have been feverishly reading the book of Revelations searching for the part where a twat in a hat unleashes the four horsemen of the apocalypse and heralds the end of all music.

I mean, this week’s Top 10 is loaded with awesomeness. Perry is only the tip of the iceberg. The return of Taio Cruz, Flo Rida’s first legitimate club anthem and the shining urban brilliance of Roll Deep’s latest single. And the UK’s music consumers choose a pithy bland love song by a guy who by all accounts is a second-rate Lee Ryan?

Disappointing.

  1. Olly Murs – Please Don’t Let Me Go: Smug, grinning chav-boy helps line Cowell’s pockets with a song that has absolutely no charm. Statistically speaking, he should be back in a call centre by now. This is the dictionary definition of abomination.
  2. Katy Perry – Teenage Dream: La Perry will have to settle for #2 this week because of the aforementioned chartsquatter. This is among Perry’s best work, managing to be contemporary but also having an ‘instant classic’ vibe to it. J’adore.
  3. Taio Cruz – Dynamite: I think we can legitimately call this one a club banger, can’t we? Nice to see the old smoothie attacking the charts with renewed vigour again!
  4. Eminem ft Rihanna – Love The Way You Lie: Personal opinion? The star collaboration value is probably more potent than the single itself, but it may well be the best thing Eminem’s done in a long time.
  5. Flo Rida ft David Guetta – Club Can’t Handle Me: I hate myself for loving this song. But it’s Flo Rida exuding a superhero-sized amount of self-confidence. “But it’s Flo Rida”, I hear you moan. Don’t care. Love it.
  6. Roll Deep – Green Light: This song is just pure sex. And so is the video. Hot babes, cars, cocky urban dudes. And a hook so classic it could’ve been stolen from a pop museum. In fact, I think it has been.
  7. Pepper & Piano – You Took My Heart: Yep, Sky One’s latest reality show yields a hit for one of the contestants. A bold new step for encouraging talent in the UK – letting them sell their music after performing it on the show!
  8. Katy B – Katy On A Mission: I’ve not heard it, but our OddOne calls it a snoozefest and gives it a disparaging 2 stars in his review. Miaow!
  9. Yolanda B Cool ft DCUP – We No Speak Americano: The breakout novelty hit of the summer for me, this tune is musical cocaine. I’m going to have to wean myself off it gradually.
  10. Travie McCoy ft Bruno Mars – Billionaire: He wants to be a billionaire so frickin’ bad, so he went solo. At least ‘Travie’ won’t have to share royalties with the rest of the Gym Class Heroes.

Anyway, it’s all academic folks. You bought Olly Murs’ single. You’ve made him think he’s a pop genuis. You’ve justified his fetish for disgusting creep hats.

Worst of all, you’ll have encouraged him to release another bloody awful single now. I hope you’re proud of yourself Britain, you can clean this mess up by yourselves.

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5 Comments

  1. slaneyvalley

    I take it you are not a fan of Olly Murs Gerard. Personally I have not got an opinion either way. Apart from Murs, Katy Perry and Eminem I haven’t heard of any of the others. I guess the top ten of today has passed me by. Oh how I remember when, as a kid, I would sit glued listening to Slade, T-Rex etc. Thanks to X-factor, unfortunately, we now have terrible singers in the charts (apart from Leona Lewis) and I guess this is a sign of the times.

    1. Gerard McGarry

      Don’t ask me how, Slaney, but I’ve heard most of this week’s top ten. The bizarre thing is, I haven’t been paying much attention to the charts lately. So how I know most of these songs and love them is beyond me. But that’s the funny thing, it’s not often the Top Ten is so universally good.

      As for Olly Murs, I find him distinctly creepy. Have done since the moment I clapped eyes on him. Detested him on X Factor – with his mediocre singing, his mediocre looks and his woefully bad dancing (it was the same moves every single week). I’ve seen nothing so far that makes me want to revise my opinion of him.

  2. Dara Hickey

    I’m sure I gave it 1.5 didn’t I? I just think it’s absolute shite! It has no synths! How the hell could it be called “roof-raising” if it’s just a bassline that doesn’t know its cue and drum that sound like it’s got a ear in it’s skin.

    Bitch get out!

    ‘Teenage Dream’ should be #1

    ‘Dynamite’, boring, generic rubbish

    ‘Green Light’ can fuck off. 

    As for the picture of this post, well that’s just pure class.

    That is all.

  3. magsmagenta

    I don’t care much for any of the others, Joe McElderry is quite cute in an unsexy kind of way and has a good voice. Now he’s come out as gay I think it would be a good thing if the next time Adam Lambert comes to the UK he would take him in hand and show him what a good time looks like, maybe his singing would develop some personality after that LOL

    1. Gerard McGarry

      Oh, that’s funny! Can you imagine Adam Lambert and Joe McElderry partying together? They’re in totally different leagues.

      I liked Joe on the X Factor, but the truth is, I don’t care for him as a pop star. I don’t see a commercial niche where he can actually work.

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