I hope you’re sitting down for this one, Shout readers. Vile chavvy singer Olly Murs has beaten Katy Perry to the top spot in the UK singles chart this week.
You may remember Murs for being disgustingly smug on last year’s X Factor before he was beaten by dweeby Joe McElderry. I have been feverishly reading the book of Revelations searching for the part where a twat in a hat unleashes the four horsemen of the apocalypse and heralds the end of all music.
I mean, this week’s Top 10 is loaded with awesomeness. Perry is only the tip of the iceberg. The return of Taio Cruz, Flo Rida’s first legitimate club anthem and the shining urban brilliance of Roll Deep’s latest single. And the UK’s music consumers choose a pithy bland love song by a guy who by all accounts is a second-rate Lee Ryan?
- Olly Murs – Please Don’t Let Me Go: Smug, grinning chav-boy helps line Cowell’s pockets with a song that has absolutely no charm. Statistically speaking, he should be back in a call centre by now. This is the dictionary definition of abomination.
- Katy Perry – Teenage Dream: La Perry will have to settle for #2 this week because of the aforementioned chartsquatter. This is among Perry’s best work, managing to be contemporary but also having an ‘instant classic’ vibe to it. J’adore.
- Taio Cruz – Dynamite: I think we can legitimately call this one a club banger, can’t we? Nice to see the old smoothie attacking the charts with renewed vigour again!
- Eminem ft Rihanna – Love The Way You Lie: Personal opinion? The star collaboration value is probably more potent than the single itself, but it may well be the best thing Eminem’s done in a long time.
- Flo Rida ft David Guetta – Club Can’t Handle Me: I hate myself for loving this song. But it’s Flo Rida exuding a superhero-sized amount of self-confidence. “But it’s Flo Rida”, I hear you moan. Don’t care. Love it.
- Roll Deep – Green Light: This song is just pure sex. And so is the video. Hot babes, cars, cocky urban dudes. And a hook so classic it could’ve been stolen from a pop museum. In fact, I think it has been.
- Pepper & Piano – You Took My Heart: Yep, Sky One’s latest reality show yields a hit for one of the contestants. A bold new step for encouraging talent in the UK – letting them sell their music after performing it on the show!
- Katy B – Katy On A Mission: I’ve not heard it, but our OddOne calls it a snoozefest and gives it a disparaging 2 stars in his review. Miaow!
- Yolanda B Cool ft DCUP – We No Speak Americano: The breakout novelty hit of the summer for me, this tune is musical cocaine. I’m going to have to wean myself off it gradually.
- Travie McCoy ft Bruno Mars – Billionaire: He wants to be a billionaire so frickin’ bad, so he went solo. At least ‘Travie’ won’t have to share royalties with the rest of the Gym Class Heroes.
Anyway, it’s all academic folks. You bought Olly Murs’ single. You’ve made him think he’s a pop genuis. You’ve justified his fetish for disgusting creep hats.
Worst of all, you’ll have encouraged him to release another bloody awful single now. I hope you’re proud of yourself Britain, you can clean this mess up by yourselves.