Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend – a watercooler cheat-sheet

People will be asking tomorrow – “Did you see that Paris Hilton show last night?” And if you haven’t seen it, here’s my handy guide to Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend.

What’s it about? Well, you know how in The Apprentice, Alan Sugar sets a series of challenges in order to decide which candidate gets a million pound aprenticeship in his company? Well, think of this as The Apprentice…for bimbos.

You have a group of 12 hopefuls who want to be Paris’s best chum, most of whom define themselves by their -admittedly magnificent – cleavages. As far as I understand it, there’s no payoff to the ‘position’ of being Hilton’s British best friend. Well, except the potential for interviews and tell-all exclusives, I suppose.

In the wacky world of Miss Hilton, friends have to be interviewed, and held at arms length until they’ve passed a sincerity test chaired by a panel of celebrity ‘experts’ including Heat Magazine’s Boyd Hilton (obviously a distant relative).

Among the group, Samuel stands out as the only male, and he’s as camp as a row of tents. I can’t wait for the mid-series scandal when it comes out that he’s a closet hetero. He’s such a stereotype that I’m hoping he’s a plant. I’ll also settle for him getting rejected in a couple of weeks time with Hilton screeching at him, “Paris Hilton is nobody’s fag hag!” That would be classic reality TV!

Since I hold all the contestants in unprecedentedly low opinion, there’s no point in decontrstructing them all. The whole show is gloriously vapid, from the leading lady to every single contestant. Even the elimination was brilliant – witness Paris asking the others to weigh in on who she should reject, only to tell them that she has to make the decision. I guess that gives them an idea of what to expect from her as a friend?

In the end, Jade got sent home because “she couldn’t cope with my world.” Then Jade wept, and we all wondered if the dictionary definition of sadness could be Paris Hilton rejecting you as her best friend? In years to come, Jade will undoubtedly tell her friends that was the point she knew she’d hit rock bottom.

The one question that seems to go un-asked is “What can we expect from Paris Hilton’s friendship?” And it’s totally telling that not one of the contestants had either the self-respect or opportunity to ask that question. And for that reason, reality TV haters gain another argument against the format, while people who love the car-crash aspects of the format will be craning their necks at this wreck for a long time.

By the way – those of you asking what TTYN means: It’s an acronym for Talk To You Never, adapted from the movie Mean Girls.

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