Poor Pete. It’s not four weeks since his marriage broke down and he’s already filming a fly on the wall documentary about it. His emotions are raw, his head’s not ‘in the right place’. And he’s in frickin’ IKEA buying furniture with well-wishers shouting nice things at him.
I’d have loved to hear someone holler “Don’t worry Pete, she’s a skanky bitch.” Followed by a comedy “Yeah, I had her last week!” in the background.
But it’s this documentary that makes me realize how hard Pete had it. Princess Di complained that there were three people in her marriage (referring to Charlie’s hang-up with Mrs. Parker-Bowles). You want a crowded marriage, Diana? Try being Petey – he had his split-personality whore in the bedroom, bitch in every other room combo of Jordan/Katie. Then you’ve got the omnipresent ClaireTheManager, Dave the cameraman and then the sound guy, the nanny and the various occasional hangers-on.
Anyway, it looks like Pete might be getting the ITV2 camera crew as his part of the divorce settlement. Unless they’re planning to share custody or leave it to the crew to choose.
Yes, as I watched this documentary, I found a little bit of my sympathy for Mr. Andre dripping away. Mostly surrounding the self-indulgent single Behind Closed Doors, on which Pete bares his reality TV addicted soul. “Just listen to the lyrics”, he implores. Well, I did listen to the lyrics. They’re spectacularly shite. “Every time we have a disagreement…“, he warbles, and you know the song will be littered with vague references to him being dunwrong. (Yes, I made that word up).
It’s hilarious to watch Pete acting like the sensitive artist, while churning out the same tired old media-bait. Behind Closed Doors itself is another reference to his public private life. I actually cried when I heard this tripe, but then I was hoping for an updated version of Flava for 2009. Peter Andre is not a rocker. He clearly can’t write music for toffee. It’s embarrassing.
Bottom line: hire a songwriting team, Pete (or ClaireTheManager).
We get some revelations in order to prove that the tabloids don’t know everything about him and Jordan. In fact, he mentions that the press are making things up because no-one’s talking to them. Well, Jordan’s interview with Piers Morgan gives them a bit of dirty washing to hang on the front pages. Of course, Pete pours cold water on her claims, which we all took with a pinch of salt anyway.
The show becomes slightly more interesting when we see him move into his new home and make public appearances – yes, even falling down the stairs at a T4 gig! There’s a snippet of another song from his new album that’s more upbeat and dancey. But has zero reference to nameless silicone-enhanced harlots who broke his heart, so can’t be released as a single.
Pete and his brother take a trip to Toys R Us, and Pete buys half the store, obviously taking on a portion of Divorced Daddy Guilt. And very interestingly, Harvey is allowed to come along to the birthday party Pete’s preparing for, but is not allowed to appear on camera. Yes, Jordan has decreed that Harvey cannot be used by Peter in the battle for the public’s affection. (Despite him being a regular fixture on ITV2 when they were a couple, so it’s not about child protection, readers.)
Speaking of child protection, perhaps putting some clothes on your daughter would be a good idea, Mr. Andre. I’m not sure allowing a little girl to waddle around her birthday party in nothing but a nappy is a good idea. Especially not on national television.
Anyway, I could go on, but to be honest this fly on the wall malarky is getting a little bit boring now. If I was a fly on Petey’s wall, I’d fly off and maybe visit Kerry Katona, maybe watch her snorting powder in her bathroom. But even though I like Pete, I think he can do better than this. Especially as an artist – a certain amount of mystique is needed and Peter has squandered his on reality TV. Do we want a ‘rock’ star who’s been shamefully mistreated by his wife on TV and made to look like a bit of a crybaby? I don’t fink so.
I don’t know what the future holds for Andre, but I think he needs to get off the ITV2 gravy train and become a little bit more low-key. Choose better songs, and distance himself from his wrecked marriage and wayward wife instead of capitalising on them.
Let’s leave this diatribe on a positive note. Pete, if you’re reading this big respect man and can we have more of this stuff…