Secret Diary of a Call Girl – Series 3, Episode 4

After an hour’s worth of that hideous trout-pouting monstrosity that calls itself The Pricey, I was glad beyond words to see Secret Diary Of A Call Girl.

The difference in the self-absorbed ramblings of a fame-obsessed former glamour model versus [[Billie Piper]] pretending to be an anything-goes type of prostitute could not be more marked. Secret Diary is a charming and sexy little drama series, more so for following on from the crassness that precedes it. But enough about the Katie Price circus…

In this fourth episode, Belle’s crush on her editor is ramping up. She’s having some racy fantasies about shagging him on his desk. Well, that’s until she actually does shag him. And the reality isn’t as cosy and convenient as the fantasy. After they have some hot office sex, Douglas turns weird and can’t seem to wait for Belle to leave afterwards.

Thankfully, there’s the lighthearted scenes where Belle tries to satisfy a client with a food fetish. She drapes her kitchen in plastic until it looks like one of [[Dexter (TV Series)|Dexter’s]] murder scenes, then proceeds to mush a wide array of foodstuffs into his clothes and face. This bit? Not so sexy. To get Belle in on the act, he starts dripping beans down the back of her pants. It’s like a gross task on I’m A Celebrity. I guess I’m just not into the sploshing. (Sploshing, according to Belle: The art of getting wet, and down, and dirty.)

Elsewhere, Bambi breaks up with Byron. Byron, for my money, is a thinly-disguised Russell Brand type. But Byron is nothing if not sweet, and he eventually tracks Bambi down to Belle’s flat at the end of the episode and writes I (heart) You in fire. Which is extravagant and cute, and slightly disturbing.

And Ben’s affair with Belle’s sister comes to an end, as we all knew it would. She moves out (yay!) and starts talking to her husband again. So that’s that.

I’m a bit baffled as to where Belle’s story is going this time round – we’re at the stage where her story has hit the publishers, and we’ve even had a scene where the characters have a jokey conversation about who’d play them in a movie. Will the fling with her editor turn into something bigger? I dunno. All my instincts say “Run away, Belle!”

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