I’m no psychic, okay? I very rarely get things right actually, but that’s generalising things; I’m usually quite good at guessing what will be a hit or not when it comes to music. Whether I like it or not, I can always tell when a half-baked party anthem smothered in auto-tune is going to do well chart-wise.
So, in my ultimate wisdom, I decided not to bother reviewing Alexis Jordan’s first single ‘Happiness’ for three reasons. One being because I was currently pre-occupied drooling over ‘Happiness’ – the album – by HURTS. Two being a slightly better reason: because she made her radio début in August 2010, so leaving it till November 2010 to release the digital and physical copies of the single seemed like a very silly idea that, expectedly, would’ve stunted it’s chart performance greatly. And three being the biggest criticism I have for her: she brings absolutely nothing new to the table already crammed full of artists just like her. So who’d have thunk sampling Deadmau5 from his single ‘Brazil (2nd Edit)’ would give her a straight Top 3 hit? ‘Happiness’ was quite the unexpected smash despite clearly not having the merits for it. Hmm…
I think it’s time I tried to learn a bit from Alexis Jordan. Right, so here I go on my intensive training course, re: AlexisificiJordation. You can tag along if you like.
1) ‘Good Girl’, naturally, travels in the same vein and serves as a very samey follow-up, that acts as a sort of Part 2 for ‘Happiness’, with the not-too-distant echo of the Village People’s ‘Y.M.C.A.’ and The Black Eyed Peas’ ‘I Gotta Feeling’ making appearances.
2) Alexis does appear to have shaken the world of The Charts with any real notion that she has musical talents beyond carrying a fair tune: she doesn’t play a musical instrument, write or produce her songs; a bit like Rihanna and the majority of Britney’s back-catalogue suggests, she’s just employed to sing them.
3) One particularly confusing concept about this song is how Alexis appears to be suffering from schizophrenia. In the verses she’s confident, brash, etc., etc., demanding that you “appreciate” her. And then, in the pre-chorus she’s a reflective and a little bit sad because you might “mistake” her for a “heartbreaker/’Cause there’s blood on the floor”. Utterly baffling, that. But when she’s back in the chorus, she having a fun time with you, bouncing about like a Tellytubby after some Tubby-custard.
4) Oh, and of course, that “cake”. You better have some. Alexis will not be pleased if you don’t bring her some cake. She says she can be a “good girl” but she’s “been bad before” so you never know, maybe she beat up the guy without the cake? Just to be safe, I’d make sure whenever I approach her I have a hearty slice of Battenberg to hand.*
5) If only she could give more of a sense of her own niche in the industry… A bit like Pixie Lott, you do begin to wonder why on Earth she is where she is if not because of her looks and reasonable voice. ‘Good Girl’ doesn’t succeed at giving listeners an insight into any of Alexis’ talents, and is just a stale, manufactured “choon” about nothing of particular importance.
The video is a similarly unpleasant affair. A bit uninspired, but at least it continues the theme of schizophrenia:
Warning: the following video contains material which may offend. Material such as pointless “strutty-walky” footage at the intro, silly dancing, too much smiling, scary men in tank tops, apple munching, gum-toying, and cleavage.
I think we can all agree when I say I just wish they gave her a few more outfits. Watta let down.
So what have we all learnt from this invaluable experience then, hmm!? Not much, I’ll give you that. We’ve learnt she can be good (wearing white, smiling) and bad (sitting on a motorbike, nomming apples all seductive like). Alexis seems to be a pretty fair peddler of pretty fair tunes. Nothing to threatening to the world of music though, as in, it’s not likely next to you go to the shop you’ll find mindless zombies clawing the shelves for her album because her music is compared to the invention of the wheel or something along the same overblown lines.
Oh, finally and most importantly, we have learnt that Alexis Jordan’s new single should be called ‘Schizophrenia Girl’. Anything else would just be misleading.
Rating: 2.5 STARS
Download: February 21, 2011 (OUT NOW)
Featured Album: ‘Alexis Jordan’
*I cannot guarantee Alexis Jordan likes Battenberg Cake.