To be given the responsibility of promoting the UK’s musicianship and live performance in front of the rest of Europe does seem like a very prestigious honour, until you realise that Eurovision is now about as relevant as Sophie Ellis-Bextor and is, more often than not, only watched just to see how low the UK’s entry manages end up and whether a fight breaks out between Greece and Cyprus because the latter didn’t give the former their obligatory exchange of 12 points. Rather more amusingly than why it appears so popular, is that a lot of the countries do still take Eurovision very seriously, to the point where they pillage ideas for their entry from a not-completely-unpopular German disco pop group from the 80’s such as… for instance… Boney M? (COUGH COUGH SWEDEN COUGH).
But anyways, branching off in a similar vein, to be given the responsibility of promoting the UK’s musicianship and live performance and then use said song as your own comeback single and hope for any credibility – that shrivelled up and died the moment four solo careers fell flat on their faces – to still be in tact is a very ballsy assumption. So ballsy in fact, Graham Norton could fund his own field day and still have some left to spare.
Blue’s comeback single is called ‘I Can’. And it’s about climbing up off the floor, brushing yourself off and having another try and soemthing you’ve already failed at, which of course has absolutely nothing to do with their solo careers going down the pan AT ALL. ‘I Can’ comes across as what it must feel like to be lying in a nice cosy four-poster bed with extra pillows, only to have a spring snap and shoot upwards and poke you violently in the back, just as you’re about to drop off. No really – I’ve got it all thought through:
Simon Webbe, Antony Costa, and Duncan James could be the bed, pillows and extra pillows respectively, sending you off to sleep with no trouble at all thanks to uninspiring lyrics that sound like they’ve been randomly generated by a cheap, advertisement-bombarded website and as your head gently tips forward and your eyelids pull a veil over your consciousness by the end of the first chorus, a sharp pain in the arse in the form of Lee Ryan’s “big notes” sounding like a child’s toy being stamped on startles you and abruptly wakes you up, like he’s forcing you not to fall asleep and continue listening. This is just pure rudeness.
Without Lee, it might be listenable, and despite embarrassingly desperate attempts at pumping the song up with some credibility, it might have been worth a whimsical download seeing as the chorus is too bad until Lee takes over. But unfortunately, Blue can’t keep the listener’s interest for the whole song as they themselves sound vague and hollow, made to sing lyrics about as motivational as a jacket potato. Although, when you think about it with a lighter heart, those chorus lyrics can appear to be very amusing. Why would four men be lying on the floor with their hands bound? I wonder if Rihanna and her newfound love for sadomasochism has anything to do with this?
Production-wise, it’s also very weak. Anaemic synths combined with a intermittent drum which at times, seems to carry more body than their vocals, makes for a cheap-sounding backing; and one that adds a nail of cringe-worthiness to their Eurovision coffin. If I’m honest, this entry would never make it to the final 25 if the UK wasn’t part of the Big Five.
Here’s the video:
Well, that was a lovely waste of everyone’s time. Lee looks like he’s constipated when hitting those all-important “big notes” and to add to the warehouse of clichés this song has already filled up, there’s a lovely bit of rain towards the end.
‘I Can’ won’t win Eurovision. ‘I Can’ will be lucky to get into the Top 10 in the UK. ‘I Can’ will have no longevity and will not be remembered as one of the UK boybands greats like ‘All Rise’ or ‘Sorry Seems TO Be The Hardest Word’. ‘I Can’, cannot.
Rating: 2.0 STARS
Download: May 8, 2011 (OUT NOW)
Featured Album: TBA