“Reet pet, enathin’ Take That can do…”
Cheryl Cole’s new song is particularly thought-provoking. I wasn’t sure what to make at first – I’d read bad reviews, some good reviews, even some *shudders* fan reviews, and occasionally I thought to myself – “It’s actually quite good, more better than the stinking pop concoction she served us in the form of ‘Promise This’, but how does it go again?”. It’s around about then that I realised that maybe I needed some extra help and guidance, so when the opportunity arose, I asked around what people thought – that is the best way to do it, is it not? Get a wide range of people’s opinions?
So when I went to listen to ‘The Flood’ during break time in my Sixth Form Common Room, it turned out to be quite a communal gathering as quite a few of my friends rushed over to see it too. This officially confirms Cheryl Cole the most loved celeb evah (the fact that we all watched a video of the very same lady fart live on The X Factor afterwards can be ignored here).
Here’s what they had to say when they finished listening, and their responses to my opening question:
OddOne: “So guys, can you remember what ‘The Flood’ goes like?”.
James: “Yeah, yeah of course… Ermm… Just give me a minute”.
Florence: “It’s really good, yeah. I love Cheryl Cole and I love this song, especially the chorus.”
OddOne: “But what does it sound like?”.
Eloise: “Sorry, Florence but don’t actually like Cheryl Cole because I think she’s a complete cock-end for voting TreyC out of The X Factor. But yeah, the song’s alright. Nothing special to be honest; I prefer some of her other stuff”.
Matt B: (In a deliberately chav voice) “Same, same: i’s’not a patch on SuBo. Soz mate. Jus’ tellin’ it how it is”.
(He starts to sing ‘Wild Horses’)
Florence: Yeah, but I like her and how her songs relate to her personal life”.
Matt B: (imitating a patronising Gillian McKeith) “Awwkay, if Ah’m honest Florence, it gives mih phawbyas. Ah have these mahssive phawbyas and they jus’ drain ma energy”.
OddOne: “People! Please! The song!? What does it sound like? Anyone remember?”.
James: “There’s a guitar, isn’t there?”.
Eloise: “My Ryan plays the guitar better than that”.
James: “And a bit that goes… ermm… “Da-da-da-da DAAAA, DAAAA, da-daa daa da-da-da daa daa’ or something like that?”.
OddOne: “No, that’s The Saturdays’ ‘Forever Is Over'”.
(Matt P walks in)
OddOne: “Ugh, Matt, what do you think of ‘The Flood’?”.
Matt P: “Hang on, I’m eating a BLT. God, the stuff in the canteen is so expensive! You’d think they were paying the staff’s wages with our money. Does anyone want the tomato? I don’t like tomato”.
Florence: “So basically you’re eating a BL?”.
James: “Can I have a bite?”.
OddOne: “Matt!? The song?”.
Matt P: “What song? This bacon is delicious. Oh yeah, I like that song. It’s got Robbie Williams in it. Their album’s a bit disappoi-“.
Florence: “-we’re talking about Cheryl Cole’s one, actually”.
Matt P: (with a mouth full of BLT) Hmm? What? I didn’t know she had a song called ‘The Flood’? Oh my God guys, did you know she’s not going back to Girls Aloud? I honestly don’t mind if it’s true because she can’t sing for shit”.
Eloise: “You’re right: there’s no way she’ll actually sing this song live. Even though half of it is basically talking with a guitar, there’s no way she can hit that big note. She can’t even lip-synch properly – have you seen the video!? Mind you, I wouldn’t turn her down if she appeared on my doorstep…”
Ryan: (Eloise’s vertically challenged boyfriend from across the room) “I heard that!”.
Eloise: “Stop complaining, we all know you fantasise about it too! But seriously, that still alone makes it look like she’s sneezing”.
OddOne: “She’s right, actually…”
Matt B: (mocking a chav again) “Nah maaate. Bring me a SuBo on a plate. Brrap!
James: “Hang on, it goes a little something like… ermm… there’s a verse, then another verse, and like… a bridge-type thing… and then it goes “the FLUD” or something like that, yeah?”.
Matt P: “I’d slap Cheryl for voting out TreyC, wait, where can I hear this song? Oh my God, did you guys see her fart on The X Factor when she was talking to Cher Lloyd?”.
Eloise: “Cher Lloyd is as talented as a horse clunge with an unfortunate face”.
Matt B: “Hang on, there’s a video of Cheryl farting in the related videos! Oh my God, Dara [OddOne], you have to play that!”.
OddOne: “After this. James, you were on to something?”.
James: “Meh, can’t be assed. Diana Vickers is better if I’m honest”.
(Matt P listens to Cheryl Cole – ‘The Flood’. In the mean time, James and Eloise have left the table and Laura is about to sit down)
Matt P: “Why is she singing about incontinence?”.
Laura: “Excuse me?”.
(All except Laura laugh loudly)
Matt P: “Well, the line – ‘You can’t hold on to water/It fills you up but never stays’ reminds me of incontinence”.
OddOne: “So, you remembered a bit?”.
Laura: “Sorry, what? Guys, I am here y’know?”
Matt P: “Actually it wasn’t so much singing – she can’t sing at all. But I do love her accent, especially in the L’Oreal ad or whatever it is”.
Florence: “Me too, you’ve just got to think of all the shit she’s been through this year, what with Ashley and then malaria and then with the Katie and TreyC backlash. I hope she does well in America because will.i.am says he’s going to start her career over there. And she’s on the US version of X Factor”.
(A few seconds of approving groans and nods, then a few seconds silence)
Matt B: “Who’s banana is this? Eugh, it’s a bit smooshed. Dara, did you try and squeeze a banana in between the ceiling tiles again?”.
Matt P: “I’ll have it”.
Florence: “Anyone wanna play Bullshit?”.
OddOne: “Back on subject please…”.
Laura: “Someone fill me in?”
Florence: “Well, you know what, I’ve told you that I like it. Because I love Cheryl and I think she’s really courageous after everything that’s happened to her. Laura you like it don’t you? You know, ‘The Flood’?”.
Laura: “Sorry, what? By Take That? I haven’t heard it. It hit number… 8, didn’t it? Yeah, it did really well, didn’t it? Dara, are you typing what we say?”.
OddOne: “Yeah, care to join? You’ve heard the song right? Can you remember it?”.
Laura: “Yeah alright, what song are we talking about? Oh, was it that Take That one? And why am I incontinent?”.
Florence: “It’s by Cheryl Cole! Take That got rubbish because of Robbie”.
Matt B: “Florence, calm your beans innit. Take That are my heroes, obv. And you’re making me hungry…”.
Florence: “Why? If you’re hungry the canteen door is right there”.
Matt B: “Yeah, but Paul’s in the way. He’ll eat me: I’m very hot property. Too hot for you anyway. *sighs* I’m really in the mood for pasta…”.
Florence: Well, you could just ask for Matt [P]’s ‘long’ banana?”
Matt P: (to Matt B) “Banana?”
Laura: “Dara, are you writing that I’m incontinent?”.
Matt B: “Do you like Cheryl Cole’s ‘The Flood’, Laura?”.
Matt P: “I think it’s alright. I don’t really remember-“
Matt B: (comically) “-DID I ASK YOU? NO BOY. Goodness me, you’re as bad as Laura”.
Matt B: “Pardon?” *whistles*
(Matt P goes to canteen)
Florence: “Is he buying food again? It’s five minutes till third period! Ugh, I have Health & Social Care”.
Laura: “So wait, this is about Cheryl Cole? Can’t believe she voted TreyC off. Cher Lloyd is a dick. Are you writing this down, Dara? And can you delete the bit about me being incontinent?”.
Florence: “I love Cher Lloyd”.
Matt B: *snorts*
Laura: “Why is everyone ignoring me?”
Florence: “We’re not, we’re just packing up, ready for third period”.
OddOne: Ermm, guys, guys, the song?
All: “What song?”.
And there you have it, people. Conclusive proof that whilst Cheryl Cole’s new single is without doubt her best to date – most likely because it actually follows popular convention – it’s not very memorable, and with her career being far more interesting to talk about then the majority of her recent musical outputs, it’s no wonder most people barely remember them.
When listening to the song, it’s like Diet Coke – slightly underwhelming if you know what full-fat Coke tastes like. It’s not as disappointing if you’ve never had full-fat Coke though, but if you have, you know there’s better out there when you’re drinking Diet Coke; it’s just as easy to find full-fat coke. And when you’ve finished drinking said Diet Coke you wish you’d just paid the extra 5p in Wilkinson’s for full-fat Coke, don’t you?
And ‘The Flood’ = Diet Coke, or semi-fat humous, if you’re not much of a Coke drinker and you’ve got a bagel on you.
See what I mean?
Rating: 3.0 STARS
Download: January 3, 2011
Featured Album: ‘Messy Little Raindrops’