Single Review: Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris & DJ Frank E – ‘Tonight (I’m Fuckin’ You)’

Like most things in life, there are a few things in pop music that really should be kept to a minimum. There are many reasons why these things should be kept at that minimum and not be allowed to surpass said minimum, such as common decency or just because it could become too much of a good thing, this whole minimum-exceeding thing.


One of those not-to-surpass-a-minimum things is profanity, particularly if it’s un-necessary and especially if the contextual lyrics consist of nothing other than clichéd drivel regurgitated from the cesspit of a Wayne Rooney sex text.


One of the first things you notice about this song, which doesn’t appear on Enrique’s current album, the unimaginatively titled ‘Euphoria’, is that it has a rather eloquent title. Clearly aimed at making elderly people spit out their dentures into their white wine spritzers, it doesn’t really bother with the Breathy Seduction Stage that Enrique’s lady fans would gladly pay an arm and a leg just to have five minutes of. Instead, Enrique appears to skip foreplay and demand sex right in the spot.


Now, that’s offensive enough, the fact that the title already suggests you have no say in the matter – Enrique is going to be fucking you, whether you like it or not. And it will happen tonight. Whether or not the sex will also feature contributions from Ludacris and DJ Frank E are as of yet unclear, but let’s hope they’re not involved, for that would be distasteful. But of course, then there’s actually listening to the song. And it’s at this point where you begin to think about why, if this is a song supposedly crafted by talented and creative people and has gone through many stages of development, that did someone not stand up midway through production and declare “IF YOU WANT A POP PHRASE WITH THE WORD ‘FUCKING’ IN IT, HOW ABOUT ‘THIS IS FUCKING SHIT’?” (or something along those lines – freedom of speech and all).


Seriously, you can ignore the profanity for this one, readers, that’s not all that makes you think somebody on production was completely deaf. It’s plain and simply an new low of vulgarity for popular music – beating even Christina’s would-be single ‘Woo-Hoo’. But it’s not only off-putting: you find yourself wondering who in their right mind gave the all-clear for this audio abomination, censored or not, to bother us, the unsuspecting public who have gone through the last fifteen years quiet happily listening to Enrique’s super-sexy crooning on material like ‘Hero’ or the intoxicating romance of last single ‘Heartbeat’, as opposed to the trashy dance-pop he’s now associating himself with.


In regards to the song itself, it starts with an unnecessarily auto-tuned Enrique giving it some “Ooh” action – auto-tune to the point where he sounds like an old man with an uncomfortable amount of phlegm wedged in his throat – followed by some frankly rubbish lyrics about wanting each other and rocking that body and making it obvious and giving it to each other and making each other “move”… stuff you’ve already heard from ‘I Like It’, basically.


Then there’s that chorus. That appalling joke of a chorus which really doesn’t consist of anything other than a few “Ohh”s and a bit of “Yeah”. Offensive is not the word; it’s times like this when I begin to think Eliza Doolittle’s pathetic little innuendos weren’t so bad after all.


This is the video for the censored version.





Now, now Enrique, what did we learn from Ashley Cole, Wayne Rooney, Tiger Woods, Mark Owen and John Terry this year, hmmm? Unfaithfulness is not tolerated in a normal household, but when you’re famous it’s even worse because people will judge you. Even though it’s just a video to a filthy song, it still seems inappropriate to send out that message.


After desperately refilling my mind with things to say after it was wiped clean like a dry wipe whiteboard at just how horrifically bad this song is, I’ve come to realising that it’s definitely down there with the most embarrassing moments in pop from the last year. There is a positive though: it’s made a good use for James Blunt’s music, finally.



Rating: 0.5 STARS


Download: January 31, 2011 (OUT NOW)


Featured Album: TBA

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