Single Review: Jay Sean ft. Nicki Minaj – ‘2012 (It Ain’t The End)’

Popstars aren’t always as unique as they think they are, or their fans think they are. It’s no surprise then, that they’re so easily classifiable that almost every one could be plotted into a chart or collection, according to how good their output is. All you need is about 6 categories and literally every popstar in like evahh will slot nicely into each one. The categories go like this:

1. Avante garde (e.g. Lady GaGa, P!nk).

These are the ones that promise the full package: a great voice, a unique personality, 100% stage effort, writes own songs, etc., and those who are actually good and do something original, stamping their personality on everything they do.

2. Diva (e.g. Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Justine Bieber)

Soulless, boring, shouty women who demand things go they way they want. They don’t write their songs and rely on their emotional-vacuum voice to sing same-y depressing songs, and are often not to impartial to a crap cover. Gospel choir is optional.

3. Bands (e.g. The Hoosiers, McFly, HURTS)

People with some musical talent, who play their instruments live and write and perform their own songs. They often interpolate influences of Britpop as well as other eras.

4. Generic/Manufactured (e.g. Jason Derulo, Pixie Lott, Taio Cruz)

Popstars who release catchy, infectious tunes but will essentially be forgotten within 5 years/two albums as they aren’t really anything special. Jason Derulo is the biggest Michael Jackson wannabe of the Now, and Pixie Lott is a second-rate Adele with an awful voice.

5. Puppets (e.g. JLS, Olly Murs, Jedward, Susan Boyle)

A special breed native to Syco, thank God people are catching onto these atrocities now; basically a way for record companies to sponge a few extra millions while the soup is hot. Eventually, the puppets’ demographic will begin to move on and enjoy the next passing fad.

6. Underappreciated (e.g. Amy MacDonald, Bruno Mars, Paloma Faith)

These people have more talent than most of the Top 10 put together. Brilliant live performers, conveying a sense of lyrical flair as well as singing with actual emotion. Take note, divas. Bruno Mars is on his path to breakthrough right now with début solo single ‘Just The Way You Are’. And it’s very good. Very.

Right now, there’s a surplus of Generics raiding the charts with absolutely nothing special, or any inkling they’re going to be around for the next ten years. Jay Sean is one of them; fitting snuggly into Category 4, he’s a Generic whose over-use of auto-tune and tired, re-hashed songs gives me the impression he fails to have any musical talent what-so-ever.

‘2012 (It Ain’t The End)’ follows suit of ‘Down’ and ‘Do You Remember’ like a lost puppy, and the fact he’s become the male version of Ciara (collaborations galore), it boasts no sense of moving forward, despite it being the lead single from his new album. If you were to go to supermarket, where all the popstars in the world were food goods, you’d find Jay Sean in the section where they’re out of Nestlé’s Shreddies so instead you buy ASDA’s Malted Wheaties. He’s generic as generic can be, and a poor substitute for something better than him.

His latest effort, ‘2012 (It Ain’t The End)’ is his typical formula pop: an auto-tune, semi-catchy “Ohh” introduction with some electronic strings, a few name-checks thrown in to make sure people don’t think it’s a crap(per) Jason Derulo/Taio Cruz/Usher/Chris Brown record.

The video is typically Jay Sean too, in that it’s awfully generic and nothing really happens, even if the first 30 seconds look vaguely promising.

3:03… Orgasm?

Nicki Minaj is really the only good thing about this song, offering another middle-of-the-road rap in her sassy, ultra-cool-without-even-trying manner. In short, the song does very little that hasn’t already been done by Jay Sean himself, let alone other artists. It’s catchy, disposal pop music by a man who thinks music-with-meaning is singing a song about partying because of the 2012 Doomsday Theory. Let’s just hope that orgasm was worth it.

Rating: 2.5 STARS

Download: September 13, 2010 (OUT NOW)

Featured Album: ‘Freeze Time’

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