Person A: Have you ever met Kylie Minogue? She’s such a gem. A lovely person: ever so gracious, endearingly modest, and someone with a great sense of humour.
Person B: Ooh… Look at this Person A! We’ve got an invite to an exclusive live performance from the Aussie princess tonight! *Girl squeal* It should be very exciting!
A few hours and some small talk later.
Person A: Ooh, this is very exciting isn’t it!? Kylie is a wonderful person, and an even better live performer.
Enter Kylie Minogue
Person C: *Gasps* OMG KYLIE! AHHH!
Person A & B: Shhhh! It’s startinggggg!
Kylie Minogue: (starts to sing ‘Get Outta My Way’)
Person B: (whispering to Person A) Did you HEAR that!? She called us “bor-ehhn”. (To Kylie) How RUDE, Kylie. And then you call us “zombies”!? It’s not our fault we’re crammed in this box like sardines! This will not stand, I suggest you take that back right now. NOW, I say.
Person A: (laughing it off) That’s just her great sense of humour!
Kylie Minogue: (teasingly) “Leave you, move on/To a perfect stranger”.
Person A: Oh. Well… actually… we just wanted a quick chinwag after the performance and this is how you treat us? Hmm… well it’s only a pop song, right? I always thought she was very nice in real life.
Kylie Minogue: “You talk, I’ll walk”.
Person B: Well if this is how you treat you’re real friends it’s no wonder you think they;re boring! If you just walk away when trying to stimulate conversation then FINE. We’re LEAVING. *Calls Humphrey*.
Person C: OMG! AHHH, KYLIE WE LOVE YOU! (starts to sing ‘Get Outta My Way’).
Person A: YOU AGAIN!? DOWN IN FRONT!
Kylie Minogue: “Get outta my way/Got no more to sayyy””.
Person B: (standing up and walking out) That’s IT! Never in my life would I have thought Kylie would be so rude! All we did was come to listen to her new single! We’re going right NOW.
Person A: We’ve already left…
Person B: WHAT!? Why is the music so loud? [looks around] NO WAY! THERE’S A PARADE OF HALF NAKED MEN FOLLOWING US!
Person A: (excitedly) THEY’VE GOT CHAIRS!
Kylie Minogue: “You can take a seat, do what you normally do”
Person B: No thank you! Keep your chairs to yourself!
Person A: (sighing dreamily) …but it’s Kylie…
Person B: Who cares? She’s on our heels with THAT song! She’’ll catch up with us soon!
Kylie Minogue: “Now I’ve shown you what I’m made of”.
Person A: Lycra?
Person B: SHE’S GAINING!
Person A finally succumbs and joins the parade.
Person B: (whining) Person A!! Don’t giving in to her bum!
Kylie does that amazing move she does as 2:13 of the video, and Person B is swiftly brushed aside and out of her way by some burly men with chairs.
The parade continues long into the night, picking up plenty of new fans as well as those kind enough to model in the ‘All The Lovers’ video.
A few hours later, everyone has passed out, haphazardly overlapping each other on the ground throughout the streets of London, intimately woven between the others; Person A comes about. With the occasional beer bottle here and there; a plastic bag blowing overhead, it is obvious there was a party here: the air lingers with the smell of bonfire smoke, alcohol and curry. As Person A clambers to their hung-over stance, the thought of moving amongst these people overcomes them as they fall asleep again, slumping into the pile of dozing bodies that riddle the ground.
Person C rides in on milk float and stops before the human carpet, they stand proud and hold a microphone to their lips.
Person C: SAME TIME NEXT WEEK THEN!? And when’s ‘Better Than Today’ getting it’s release!?
Rating: 4.0 STARS
Download: September 27, 2010 (OUT NOW)
Featured Album: ‘Aphrodite’