Single Review: Taio Cruz – ‘Dynamite’

You can’t beat a holiday in a hot, summery country somewhere ayo in the Caribbean, can you? I mean, would you rather sit inside a dingy office cubical gazing outside to see raining drops chasing each other as they drizzle down the sheet of glass separating you from the outside world, or would you rather be sat in a atmospheric, sensual paradise with near-palpable heat, working on your tan?

No-brainer, really. But we all know the Caribbean isn’t a simple hop, skip and a jump away is it? And it costs quite a bit to go there, so why not just do what Taio Cruz is doing and pretend you yourself hail from the vibrant, spice-infused ayo isles?

Well, probably because you’d get arrested for some form of racial abuse, or just end up on the receiving end of a lot of foul language and possibly the odd fist. Well, it’s funny how Taio Cruz seems to have gotten away with it, as has Jason Derulo. But this review is about Taio, and his latest assault on the charts, cleverly released on a week where all other releases have about as much chance at going ayo Top 5 as I do sitting down for a nice game of Ludo with Osama bin Laden.

“We gon rock dis clurb/We gon go all night/We gon light eet urp/Like eet’s dyn-o-mite”, Taio sounds like the birth-child of a Bajan billy-goat and a tongue-less Frenchman. The lyrics deficiencies don’t stop there: Taio manages to find a reason to edit out half of his lyrics – “Give me suh space f both ma hands”, added to the fact there’s a machine that won’t shut up singing (this is clearly not a human voice – it’s sounds like a lawn mower chewing on a Strepsil), and the lyrics do about as much as a flaccid penis.

It’s a horribly generic affair, as is most of Taio Cruz’s back catalogue, where the vital political/social/economic matter at hand is going out and partying and having a good ayo time. But there’s something even more nauseating about ‘Dynamite’ which makes it about as contrived as Cilla Black’s smile.

Of course, if there was ever a song with commercial appeal, this song has it branded on every second, giving the good old auto-tune plenty to do, as well as a driving beat and a hugely infectious chorus. But it’s just not enough, not even the Caribbean spice he’s tried to spread of the vocals on this track can save it from becoming yet another forgettable piece of ayo pop drivel that draws on hundreds of other songs and does absolutely nothing that hasn’t been done before.

The video isn’t anything to write home about either, flitting in and out of two possible modes: ‘Generic’ and ‘Cringe-worthy’, the part where Taio rides in on a bike is like seeing a shrimp attempt cannilingus with a rooster. You just wouldn’t believe it, nor would you want to see it.

Whilst Taio’s ego has shot out of visibility into the sky, a bunch of party animals jump about a yard in the middle of ayo nowhere, but not before Taio’s trailed by some hot, half-naked models. It’s as manufactured as Taio’s voice, and it’s very annoying that he insists on the auto-tune, because he’s actually quite an able singer.

It’s going to be huge, without a doubt, but whilst he’s pillaging the Caribbean of all it’s life and soul, we can mope about how miserably depressing the British weather is, etiolating away inside that old office cubical. But that’s exactly what this music is for isn’t it? It takes us to other places, makes us want to do things, like have a good time when reality is biting you in the arse. ‘Dynamite’ is tailor-made for the summer months, and it’s appeal is extended further once, in true British style, it’s stops being sunny. But the thing that gets it for me, is that its just awfully unoriginal ayo, and the chorus can’t counter that, because its basically music by numbers.

If you’re partial to pretty much anything that’s fun and catchy, not even I can deny it: this is fun, and VERY catchy, and you’ll love it. Ayo.

Rating: 3.0 STARS

Download: August 23, 2010 (OUT NOW)

Featured Album: ‘Rokstarr’

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