So what happened to the first X Factor 2010 live show?

If you didn’t have the time to watch tonight’s 2 hour+ X Factor live extravaganza, we’ve put together the ultimate Unreality Shout to tell you what happened on the show. Let’s get you up to speed…sharpish.

Simon and Cheryl walk onstage holding hands as if in response to the nasty tabloid slurs saying they’re at war with each other. Louis and Dannii holding hands…as if anyone cares that he took her mortal enemy Sharon Osbourne to boot camp.

Wildcards! Oooh, the final 12 becomes the final 16! We tried to pretend to be surprised, but everybody knew before the credits rolled last week that the ‘big twist’ was expanding each group by one contestant. So, who’s returning? Paije Richardson, Diva Fever, Treyc Cohen and Wagner Unpronouncable-Surname.

Songs that charted this year! Yes, breaking with everything that X Factor stands for (or stood for?), some of the contestants actually sang contemporary chart hits! There’s a rumbling that even Simon’s got fed up with how the X Factor has been resting on its laurels this year and instead of pleasing the golden oldies, he wants someone who can actually hit the top ten.

Costume drama: Katie Waissel mashes up Daft Punk/Lady Gaga/Kylie’s backing dancers in Can’t Get You Out Of My Head. Take your pick of the references. Basically, she wore a very stupid looking helmet. In other news Nicolo Festa wore a hideous pair of pink-framed sunglasses which did nothing for his street cred, and Diva Fever got to wear hideous Wham! style t-shirts and shorts.

The groups weren’t very good. Nope, not even the amazing FYD, who opened the show. OK, FYD were…okay. But after listening to the rest of the acts, there were better. Simon Cowell’s manufactured girl group Belle Amie were the most underwhelming, with a tuneless version of B.o.B’s Airplanes. Things got better with Diva Fever and One Direction, but I’m not feeling like Simon has the winner this year.

The judges were too nice. As my sister in law said, “What’s with all the f*cking gushing tonight?” It seemed like the judges weren’t going to criticise anyone, no matter how badly they sang. Let’s hope they were just sharpening their claws for next week.

Strong performers. You won’t have heard much about John Adeleye before tonight, but he blew us away with his rendition of Boyz II Men’s One Sweet Day. Likewise, Treyc Cohen closed the show with an amazing version of U2’s One via the Mary J Blige version. And Irish singer Mary Byrne gave a strong performance about midway through. Aiden Grimshaw deserves special mention for an atmospheric version of Mad World.

Still disappointed with – Cher Lloyd and Katie Waissel, who were totally overrated and proved it tonight. And to make things seem slightly weirder, both girls received much attention from the judges going to great lengths to say they’re not as bad as the tabloids have made them out to be. Hmmm.

Felt sorry for: Wagner Unpronouncable, the Brazilian singer who was truly awful at She Bangs. Only Louis Walsh really knows why he chose this guy as his his wildcard, but we really pitied him for his cringe-inducing dancing.

The big news: It’s a double-elimination tomorrow night. Who do you reckon’s going home?

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