The Apprentice: Alienation nation

The phone goes, they need an overnight bag. Cue excited mutterings of a trip abroad. Which soon stops, lol. Why do they need four cars for nine of them? Not very environmentally friendly is it?

Nick and Margaret are the sentries at the Gateway To The North and flank Sir Alan like minders. Perhaps they weren’t sure how the wannabes would react to not going abroad.  Twelve inventors will pitch their products to the teams, who are to choose two; everyone is expected to sell and they all have their own order book. Sir Alan has laid on two appointments for the teams to pitch to initially, a hardware superstore in Liverpool and major homestore retailer. The teams do no homework on what products they sell – should they not find out? Well, no – why change the habit of a lifetime. I’m thinking, just based on that bit of info –go for the ladder/dust collector type things ie. hardware items, but no – both teams seem to think they’re selling to pet stores.

Empire, comprising Mona as Team Leader, Howard, Debra and James choose the ‘lovers lead’ – a dog lead two people can walk, it’s cute and some of the profit goes to Battersea Dogs Home. But Sir Alan hasn’t set them up with pet shops, has he? Still, they manage to shift them, mainly due to the amount of appointments the team make. And Mona does a sterling job negotiating with a camping shop for the sleeping bag suits. Ignite are Ben, Yasmina, Kate, Philip and Lorraine as Team Leader. Philip apologises for not taking her seriously before – let’s see how long that lasts. They go for the Cat Play House and the bike bag. Which both we and they know but won’t admit, is a crap idea – can you imagine trying to cycle home with your supermarket shopping?  A six-pint bottle of milk in that? I can’t even steer the bloody trolley. Still, it’s made of high polyester, according to Yasmina, which is so much better than low polyester, obviously. As for the tom-cat playhouses …

Unsurprisingly, Mona’s Empire trounce Lorraine’s Ignite £4501 to £1302. Yasmina and Lorraine sold; Philip, Ben and Kate did not, and Kate bares those dazzling teeth, resulting in her being brought back into the boardroom with Philip – Ben wisely kept shtum, while Kate and Phil tried a pincer movement on Lorraine. Philip really thought he could get away with his bullying and childish behaviour; Lorraine is close to going because she alienates people. I don’t think Kate is in danger, but she’s turning on Philip just to be on the safe side. Who said romance is dead?  Philip’s gone! And gives Sir Alan the usual: “Thanks for the opportunity”.  Well, his exact word was “Joke.”

The You’re Fired panel take Philip apart, he finally admits his feelings about Kate – as if we didn’t know – but he did also give Lorraine some credit for playing a good game. The One That Got Away was Lorraine – thing is, she did deliver, more so than Kate, who had a bad week.  Quote of the Week, according to Adrian, was James saying: “If I’d tried to open a funeral parlour, people would stop dying.” But since that’s hardly original I’m going with his quip on arriving at the service station: “Maybe he wants us to do a drug deal!” And Ruby Wax’s description of the lovers lead – a G string for an elephant!

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