The Apprentice: Bingobustingbumballs

Lorraine clearly caught unawares by the camera crew, because you wouldn’t, would you? Just wandering around like that? And the cameras poking their lens through the bedroom doors to catch them all in their undies? I s’pose it is past the watershed. This week, Ben is the star – for all the wrong reasons. He reckons everyone else’s bum will be twitching like rabbits’ noses. Sure it’s because they’re nervous and not just smelling the BS, Ben?

They’re tasked with inventing and selling a piece of portable home fitness equipment – remember the word portable, it’ll be important later. The teams are mixed up – Philip and Noorul to Ignite, Debra is PM; Kim and Kate to Empire – led by James. Let’s hope he doesn’t pull a muscle or catch a finger in anything because we don’t want tears before bedtime, do we.

Once Empire got past Ben’s sexercise ramblings, he and they brainstorm a pretty good concept of a spring loaded arm thingy and Ben, Maj and Kim head off to the design team, with one piece of advice ringing in their ears from the market reserchers (James, Kate and Howard, I think. I was paying attention, really I was.) Keep it Simple. No gimmicks. Simplicity is Key. Portable. Whatever you do, don’t make it a home gym. Sound advice which they completely ignore and end up with one of my brother’s old and dusty black speaker boxes, complete with the stereo wires still attached and a Betterware kitchen step inside it *covers eyes and shakes head in disbelief* James does not look pleased but what can he do?

Ignite were struggling for a long while to come up with anything; the personal trainer batted back both possibilities; somehow they turned Philip’s idea into the ‘Body Rocka’ – which looked pretty unstable to me but what do I know? My rowing machine has been sitting in the other room for a year now, every day I’m going on it but somehow end up here instead, honing my writer’s bum. Debra doth protest too much methinks, to Yasmina’s clumsily put idea about the advert, which means I have no choice but to quote, quite unashamedly, the immortal line: Calm down dear, it’s only a commercial. There, you didn’t think I would, did you … crashing on. The Body Rocka does at least look cool and it has stable stability, according to pitcher Lorraine. It’s got the ‘It’ factor alright. Has she pitched before, does anyone know? Meanwhile, back to Ben, who just slapped his own aris in front of the potential clients *covers eyes and shakes head in disbelief again*.

They’re back in the boardroom and apart from a brief hint of ‘maybe we can snatch this’ upon hearing they’d sold 500 units to John Lewis, Empire know they’re doomed. Kate and James both blame the product design. Kim and Howard keep out of it – Maj and Ben were definitely the ones who made it more complicated, so it’s them James brings back. Classic line from Bolshy Ben: “I’ll bite his teeth out” What???? How, is he really Jaws in disguise? (The Bond villain, not the shark.) The boardroom has turned into a playground. Maj is the one who’s fired and Philip is very upset. Philip and Maj. Maj and Philip. Why does that ring a bell? James is mobbed by a fair few of the others – he’s maybe not as bad as the editing makes him out to be. Charming, charming Ben, I can’t wait for his turn in with Adrian. Who cheerfully announces to Maj: “Your product was sh*t! Maj calls it the Death Box, lol. Adrian reckons Quote of the Week was Sir Alan to Howard, about getting him a cushion so he doesn’t get splinters in his bum from sitting on the fence. I personally preferred Carole Malone’s appraisal of Ben: “He has a face you want to smack.” Yep.



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1 Comment

  1. Jaye Nolan

    Can’t believe no-ne spotted the deliberate mistake! Sorted now, of course but goes to show the dangers of typing up notes 24 hours later, when they’ve been dictated to a drunken, inky spider who only knows hieroglyphics.

    I blame the fudge.

    It won’t happen again. Well, I say that – it’s not for nothing they call me scatty ..


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