Could this be the biggest death tease swindle in the history of cinema? According to reports, both Edward Cullen and dead-eyed Bella Swan will die in an epic battle in the final Twilight movie.
Except you and I know that no such death scene takes place in Breaking Dawn.
Yes, in the book version, the Volturi roll up looking mean, tough and scary, while Carlisle Cullen assembles a veritable multicultural army of vampires to fight against them. And then Bella throws up her magical mind-shield, which protects the delegation of vampires from the Volturi’s ferocious powers. And then everybody goes home.
Which, I think you’ll agree, doesn’t make for the most thrilling cinematic experience.
So, in an effort to spice up those final scenes before the inevitable happy-ever-after ending, there will be a massive actual battle between the Cullen’s dismal vegetarian vampires. And in this battle, the unthinkable will happen – both broody Edward and boring Bella will die the final death. But not before Carlisle has his head repositioned about 50ft from his body.
Why, this is awesome. The two gloomiest immortals in the history of fiction (and that includes Louis De Pointe Du Lac, vampire fans) get wasted. No more perma-angst. But we shouldn’t joke about such matters, readers. A poor hybrid vampire-human baby is growing at an accelerated rate and HAS NO PARENTS. Who knows what damage this will do to the poor fragile child’s psyche.
Well, not much more damage than being called Reneesme.
But it’s alright Twi-tards. One wavy screen wipe reveals that it was all just one of Alice’s visions! This big reveal comes to us courtesy of Lainey Gossip, where the author reveals that she’s had a sneak peek at the screenplay. Several sources seem to think that this is a reliable spoiler, but this being the internet you just never know. Expect to see a scene in which hundreds of immortals gather in a forest and talk it out.
On the upside, we’re told that there’ll be loads of love scenes between Edward and Bella. Yay. Seriously, the only way to retain wood around Bella Swan would be if you were already dead. Which shouldn’t be a problem from Sideburns Cullen. God, I feel depressed just thinking about those two having sex.