Woah, it’s all been kicking off in the X Factor household hasn’t it!? Cher’s had yet another strop, this time at a camera woman, just because she kept forgetting the lyrics to her song during rehearsals, then she has a bigger paddy and refuses to go to the Narnia première (and turn down a chance of meeting Joe McElderry!? Silly thing!), then Rebecca only goes and begs Louis to be her mentor because Cheryl’s favouring Cher; Simon get’s a bit of a nasty cold (don’t everyone rush into high alert) but fear not, Lemsip was at the ready and he’s on top arrogant form tonight, ladies and gents.
Seeing as it’s semi-final time, and Wagner is going to be sorely missed, I think it’s fair that we should dig out the age old staple of the “It’s never been this close” quotes. Simon does this. Thanks very much. Still, strap in and get ready to dance! It’s Club Classics week! It should be an exciting evening of entertainment, yes? Well if Dannii dress is anything to go by (is that a loofah/sponge thing on her shoulder?), this should be quite a camp-fest. *eagerly waits for Tesco Mary* Mind you, the second song choice, The Song That Will Get You To The Final, says to me it’s about time to get out the staple quote of “It’s never been this close blah blah blah”, “Someone’s dream is about to be crushed zzzz”. Hankies at the ready.
Mind you, the lovely Rebecca did promise us a bit of dancing tonight, but it turns out her idea of disco dancing whilst she sort of sung Robyn S.’s ‘Show Me Love’ was a mix of twisting awkwardly on the spot, bouncing like a cartoon character who’d just stubbed their toe, and raising her arm a bit.
Very exciting stuff, this. Do we really believe Rebecca is Louis’ favourite ever X Factor contestant? Before Jedward? Diva Fever? Rhydian? I refuse to believe it.
Vocally, she was on and off, as she sounding extremely tired and short-breathed when she performed her first song, and the second performance… OH MY LORD I nearly fell asleep. A brilliant song choice but she’s just sealed her fate as she could potentially become Britain’s most boring singer, regardless of whether she wins or not. Her voice was hitting all the right notes by my God is she getting ridiculously drab.
Someone who wasn’t so drab, but none-the-less hardly entertaining was the lovely Tesco Mary, who I’m afraid is officially kicking the bucket tonight. You could hear it in the way the Judge’s commented on her performance – “You’re not going back to the Tesco checkout” (And all the Tesco Fat Cats have just broken down in hysterical cries of sorrow). To tell you the truth, her performances were some of the weakest she’s given. Week on week her wow factor was declining, and this week it was almost embarrassing, not because she bizarrely needed to be helps down about five stairs by two burly men, but because were incessant bellowing often lost the original tune. I found her singing very tedious and off-key. BRING BACK AUTO-TUNED CONTESTANTS.
I know what it is now. She has no swagger. When she did ‘A Man’s World’ in her first week, that was when she stood out. But from then on, she’s just been a bit plain and unengaging. Like driftwood.
By the end of her second song, Barbra Streisand’s ‘The Way We Were’, she was shedding a few tears. Apparently for her mum, rather than the fact she just murdered it. Although, it was entertaining to see Simon and Louis erupt into a fight of who was the campest Judge. “You like Gloria Gaynor”. “No, YOU like Gloria Gaynor!”.
Then again, Tesco’s finest wasn’t as bad as X Factor’s bargain-basement answer to Keri Hilson, Cher “Gangsta maaate” Lloyd. Now, I have a love/hate relationship with Miss Lloyd. I love it when she sings, I hate it when she raps. When she combines the two, it’s just plain crazy. After last week’s sickeningly cringe-worthy performances, this week has better be good.
Obviously, with her not going to the Narnia première, she plays ‘The Gran’ card for her VT. The Gran’s clearly not as good as Joe McElderry’s gran but it’d still be interesting to see who’d win at a game of Boggle. That’ll keep the nation hooked. I’m sure. More than Cher’s singing anyway. ‘Love The Way You Lie’? Is that what she calls emotional? Someone send her a copy of P!nk’s ‘I Don’t Believe You’ right away. She sort of rescued it by the end though, but her riffing was identical to the tune of Shakespeares Sister’s ‘Stay’. THAT IS GETTING OLD NOW CHER. Omds someone pass me the vodka. I think I need a drink.
On to everyone’s favourite painter and decorator, Matt Cardle. Aww diddums, he’s got a dicky throat. Quick, someone slip him a lozenge, this ain’t exactly the Olympics now, is it, he’s not going to get done for that.
Oooh! And electric guitar! Whatever next? An orchestra of bongos and glockenspiels? YES PLEASE. At least it would inject some interest into The X Factor, which has now become as boring as sitting in traffic, with added lights. Matt does the usual and is amazing and is going to be the clear winner and is going on to big things and so on and so forth…
It’s around about this time that you realise The X Factor is no fun anymore. It’s actually deliriously boring. It’s like the hopeless Dancing On Ice with no ice and no dancing, but you can still guess who’s going to win. And no matter how many times the Judge’s are paid to say “It could be anybody in the bottom two tonight”, we all know it’s Mary and Cher.
Although I’m disliking both of those acts, One Direction have absolutely no star quality whatsoever and even if Simon claims “they’ve worked so hard for this” (because singing on a telly show is working hard for fame, unlike singing in pubs and clubs for years without getting a break is hard), they’re still to convince me they deserve to be anywhere near the final. This week, they pretentiously chose ‘Only Girl (In The World)’, and were blatantly pre-recorded during the chorus. It was like listening to five pubescent boys whine weakly about loving a girl, then suddenly be joined by a huge backing and some very obviously edited vocals for the big chorus. I did however enjoy when they sung “You’re the only one who understands/How to make me feel like a man”, and Zain was constantly reassuring himself by touching his groin. Crabs?
But oh dear Lord I could not believe they chose Snow Patrol’s ‘Chasing Cars’ for their second song. It was almost to perfect for words, how fixed that performance was. You can imagine it now, Simon thinking: “Let’s make the guitars really distant and anaemic so it makes the boys sound all growly and manly. Then we could bring in some lights for the big moment, and have Harry and Liam in the spot-light once again. The others were blatantly born to be backing singers, anyway”. All that became of it was Liam desperately trying to inject a bit of power behind it all, to no avail, which left me extremely under-whelmed. If this is the future of British boybands, then as Florence and her barmy machine once said: the horses are coming, so you better run.
Ah well, it’s a singing contest, right?
Best Performance: Matt Cardle – ‘You Got The Love’
Best Song Choice: Rebecca Ferguson – ‘Show Me Love’
Worst Song Choice: One Direction – ‘Chasing Cars’
Best Vocal: Matt Cardle – ‘You Got The Love’
Most Boring: Rebecca Ferguson
Biggest Gimmick: Cher’s gran.
Who I Wanted To Leave: Cher Lloyd
Who I Think Will Leave: Tesco Mary