We’re visiting London and Birmingham tonight for the next set of X Factor auditions shows. And it sounds like there’s going to be singing twins (deja vu?) and face-punching females. Follow me for live coverage, updated every commercial break!
Louis Walsh, being an unimaginative git wants to find a new pair of twins. As if Jedward weren’t horrific enough. This year, Dermot O’Leary reveals, more twins than ever have applied for The X Factor. An act called Bejon come onstage, almost exactly as dumb as the evil Irish twins. Giving you an example of what to expect from this series, Cheryl Cole and Louis say yes. Louis: “Children will love them.”
Twem – The Arabic word for ‘twins’ and ‘lucky’, this French duo have travelled all the way from Paris to audition in Britain. Simon is bemused. The international franchise isn’t working, is it? When they start singing Lady Gaga’s Just Dance, it’s almost immediately clear that they’ve never sang outside their bedroom. The vocals are rough, but the twins manage to charm the judges. Simon tells Louis that this is the effect that he’s created – “the two monsters you created are now spreading across Europe”. Cheryl and Louis give them a pass to boot camp.
Just to prove they’re French, they kiss people on both cheeks.
Storm Lee – This guy’s a bit of an enigma – extremely polished and cocky beyond belief. Thing is, he’s got the vocal abilities to back it up, which makes me hate him even more. Simon refuses to call him Storm and calls him Lee instead. Even Simon Cowell recognizes a pretentious git when he sees one.
He stops Storm’s (giggle) first song – The Police’s Every Breath You Take – and suggests he sings something else. The backup song is U2’s Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. He’s talented, but if you thought Danyl Johnson was an egomaniac last year, wait until you see this dude in live shows. Simon and Cheryl have a bit of a barney about using his stage name, but ultimately they let him through. I’m not sure Britain will warm to this guy.
- Ruth Ann St Luce – This girl starts off by calling Simon “Lightning”, which I approve of. She’s got a lovely rich soulful voice. And a ticket to boot camp. Three yeses from the judges.
- John Adeleye – Home care worker gives us a taste of Joe Cocker’s You Are So Beautiful. Great voice. Three yeses.
- Elesha Moses – an all too brief spot for Elesha, but she sang well and got the three yeses.
Joining the judging panel for Birmingham is Natalie Imbruglia, who’s virtually a Dannii Minogue lookalike.
Liam’s got quite far in the X Factor process in the past, and he’s back for another stab. The Bieber-style haircut surely couldn’t be a co-incidence? Actually, it’s not too different to the haircut from last time he auditioned!
Liam sings Cry Me A River (the Michael Buble version), with a big voice and a commanding stage presence that belies his age. The audience are rapturous from the first line he sings. And Simon gives him a standing ovation. That’s high praise right there. Cheryl utters a terrible cliche comment about him “having it, whatever it is”, Louis praises his confidence. In case you didn’t catch the vibes from the judges desk, they vote anyway. Four yeses.
- Patti Eleode – A delightful older woman who gives a terribly tuneless version of For Your Eyes Only. She sounds like Orville. She gets sent home.
- Chad Kennedy – or Birmingham’s Michael Buble. Just awful. And he excuses it by saying he has a chesty cough.
- High St Boys – Clearly a joke act, these dullards come on and sing a Backstreet Boys song out of tune from the outset. Go away.
- Brenda Morris – old lady in hooker boots sings a Pink song. It shouldn’t work, but bizarrely it does. Bit not even Louis “I’ll put you through for a laugh” Walsh gives her a positive vote.
Called Cher by a clearly sadistic mother, she chooses to do a Soulja Boy song…but the Keri Hilson version. She’s a scrawny wee thing, isn’t she? Not sure what to make of this performance – the singing out of the corner of her mouth thing is off-putting. She’s got plenty of swagga though.
I hate the vocal, but we’re agreed here that she’s very brave for singing something totally off the wall. Cheryl raves “You’re right up my street, you’re my favourite audition so far.” Natalie thinks she’s gorgeous and praises her potential. She gets through to boot camp with Simon’s comments ringing in her ears – “There’s something special about you…”
Keri Arrindell – Frightful hair, but Keri’s got a beautiful voice and receives much love from the judging panel.
Wagner Fiuza-Carrilho – Looking like an ethnic version of Meat Loaf, Simon tells him his mother would fancy him.
Justin Vanderhyde – This guy has genuine pixie ears. Odd. He gets through. I don’t even remember him singing.
Treyc Cohen – Treyc returns to X Factor after being rejected at judge’s houses last year. She gets through, but will she make it to live shows? Betcha this is her last chance at fame.
I thought I was going to hate these two, but they call Louis an old man to his face, which is fantastic. It’s not long before they’ve upset the audience and stormed off the stage.
They try to sing Shayne Ward’s winners song – That’s My Goal – and it’s every bit as delightful as you might think. OMG, this is totally a Little Britain sketch. Simon tells them off for being rude and having terrible attitude, then they tell the judges they don’t care what they think anyway. Basically, it all ends with Munter #1 punching Munter #2 in the face and them both storming off.
The best bit – the absolute best bit – was Dermot trying to calm one of them down backstage by giving her a quasi-legal “You cannot strike people…” speech. Pure awesomeness, but slightly scary at the same time and reminiscent of Godzilla versus Behemoth. Simon, being a total git, sends a flunky backstage to tell them it’s four nos.