X-Factor: Over to you, Jazz

Diana Watson – did she get confused and think it was Britain’s Got Talent, only she turned up as a duo with her dog Jazz – lovely little face but a bit vicious (the dog, not Diana) it nearly had Dermot’s finger off and it didn’t even sing a note! But then, neither did Diana … cut to Jazz looking a bit peeved.

John Cassidy – Dannii’s face said it all – cut to Jazz looking smug – Gisela Lee murdered Alicia Keys and asked why they said no “Because you can’t sing.” Cut to Jazz growling. Gordon Rush “sings” achey  breakey heart and gives us an achey breakey headache. Cut to Jazz nipping Dermot’s ankles. End of Part One *Slashes wrists*

Carla Schettini has a tartan tie for Louis – am I missing something? Attempts ‘If You Don’t Know Me By Now’ … we all sing back “we’ll never never never know you, bye … byebyebyebye …”

Cut to Jazz and Dermot, snuggling. Rikki Loney next – he made it to boot camp last year, in another nice hat. A positive attitude but a bit off in places, plenty of potential. Best so far, which isn’t much of a compliment, to be honest. Cut to Jazz, tap dancing with Dermot.

82 year old William Hooper sings ‘Come Fly With Me’ and was actually in tune in some places, second best so far. Delightful man, so he’ll go through because three out of the four judges are soppy (my word – I said it before Simon). Cut to Jazz looking well put out.

We see (not nearly enough of) a quartet of goodies – Lydia Kabasele, Mr.Personality Alistair, The Secrets, and confident Heshima. Cut to Jazz climbing Dermot’s leg. And we meet Shanna and her sweet, lovely voice. Top so far, very emotional – why drag it out so, when it’s obviously a ‘Yes’?

A quartet of no-nos: Amordeep – rock’n’roll don’t love ya back, baby; David, the classroom assistant. Not in my school … Michael, ah Michael – didn’t even recognise the song to begin with. And it’s Abraham’s life time ambition and will continue to be so for a long, long time. Mind you, he said he’ll just keep singing to himself. That would be best, Abraham, yes. Cut to Jazz, skewered by a microphone.

And we come to Demi, who I honestly thought was going to be this year’s psycho; I’m pleased to report she took the ‘NO’ quite well, apart from the tears. She wasn’t terrible and might benefit from lessons and she was a sweet kid, if a bit tweeee. Cut to Dermot, trying to convince Rolf Harris it was an accident. Yellow Brick Road I’ve forgotten already – a trio? Eliotte, I think a ‘Yes’ and Jaide Green I’m not too sure about. Good to see her parents put some thought into her name. Cut to Jazz being dragged away on Dermot’s blood soaked jeans. Can you tell I’m finding this week a bit boring?

We’re still awaiting a BIG performance. Maybe it will come from Olly the Essex boy. He’s picked a good song – Stevie Wonder’s Superstition – bit boybandish, also reminded me of Will Young in places. Thought his dancing a little strange actually, but has put his own stamp on the song and certainly engaged the audience. While I’m not completely blown away, there’s definite potential. The last two weeks very downbeat compared to the first two. And there’s  double dose of the show on Saturday and Sunday next week. Won’t that be fun. *Add your own sarcasm here*

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  1. Gerard McGarry

    Yeah, I lost the will to live at about the same time as you did. If I’d known it was going to be this bad, I’d have stayed in the pub…

    I liveblogged this for Unreality TV on Saturday night and aid many of the same things you said here, Jaye. The big thing I’m worried about is how the few good acts are bookended by really rubbish ones. Are they really any good, or are we just so relieved at someone who can hold a tune?

    It feels like somebody sat down a focus group in a darkened room and the vocal majority said “I can’t stand the show, but I love watching the losers performing for the judges. I stop watching when they do the live shows.” And so the ITV1 is increasingly like the Xtra Factor, except the Xtra Factor is supposed to be funny. On ITV1 I want to see the next big UK pop star, not some moron in a bad jumper who’s so bad he’d get glassed out of any karaoke bar.

    After watching three really crap audition episodes at this stage, I’d really hate for Simon to drop his usual line about “this being the nations biggest talent search”. It isn’t anymore, it’s become a rubbish sketch show in which the public are the joke.

  2. Jaye

    That’s it exactly – the relief when you get someone who can vaguely hold a tune is shown – they’re not setting the world alight, you’re just grateful they’re not awful! So far, truth be told, Jemma from Miss Fitz is light years ahead of everyone else I’ve heard – she was so robbed the last time!

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